Grovers Mill is a community that was initially made famous in Orson Welles’ 1938 radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, where it was depicted as the epicenter of a Martian invasion, on October 30 of that year. There have been numerous references in fiction, including The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, the Wild Cards book series, and a town called Miller’s Grove in The X-Files episode “War of the Coprophages”. In issue 11 of DC Comics’ The Shadow Strikes (1989), The Shadow teams up with a radio announcer named Grover Mills, a character based on the young Orson Welles, who has been impersonating The Shadow on the radio. Welles played the Shadow on radio prior to the War of the Worlds broadcast. An episode of the War of the Worlds TV series takes place in Grover’s Mill on the 50th anniversary of the Welles radio drama, and expands on the town’s ties to the infamous broadcast. (Wikipedia 2018). Grover’s Mill Podcast is a podcast put together by a team of passionate people from all around the world. It has been two years in the making and is meant to be a form of entertainment. It has taken the spirit of the great works before it. It is a fictional podcast, that is shared with you as a satire and parody. The Podcast references familiar people, places, locations, pop-culture, historical points of interest and social settings to give context to the story for the purpose of conveying its satirical nature. The events, conversations and occurrences depicted in the Podcast were conceived by the Producers of the Podcast, and as far as the Producers are aware, they did not actually occur. Additionally, we have used some real-life personalities. However, the characteristics, qualities and actions that we have applied to those people are not meant to be real, and were conceived for the sole purpose of conveying and giving life to the Grover’s Mill story. To the extent permissible, in no event shall the Producers be liable for any damage, loss, harm, cost, disruption or confusion that arises as a result of listening to or engaging with the Grover’s Mill Podcast.
*Note to reader. This is a fictional satirical podcast designed with parody for comedic purposes only-see our disclaimer on the website for more information.
Wilkie: Previously on Grovers Mill.
Speaker 1: It was so dark. My heart was thumping so fast. I pulled over into the orchards and I ran into the woods. I’ve never been so fucking scared.
Speaker 2: No. Listen to me. I used to be a believer, like everyone, and I used to think the cranks were crazy, but when the facts come and slap you in the face, you have no choice but to accept that sadly, this was one huge lie.
Speaker 3: Don’t look round. I think those Men in Black types guys are here. Behind you.
Speaker 1: Really?
Speaker 3: Yeah. I’m pretty sure.
Speaker 1: What shall we do?
Speaker 2: Yeah, but you see you are in it now. We need you. We need you to help us to get this out in a way that people will believe.
Charlie Duke: Okay, all flight controllers, gonna go for landing. Electro. [inaudible 00:01:16] Go for landing.
Buzz Aldrin: Okay, engine stop.
Charlie Duke: We copy you down, Eagle.
Neil Armstrong: Houston, Tranquility Base here. The Eagle has landed.
Wilkie: So, we’ve come to the seventh episode in the series, and who would have guess we’d end up Russian with Edward Snowden and Julian Assange? But it’s been one hell of a ride and I don’t regret a thing. What’s been really pleasing is the response the podcast has been generating. We’ve had countless calls and emails from people all over the world, some of them good and some of them not so good. For example, a lot of people have been saying that we made it up, that none of it’s real.
Wilkie: Some people don’t want it to be real, of course, and some people think we’ve had this planned for years and that we placed Rodney in Grovers Mill on purpose. For the last few weeks, we’ve also been dealing with rumors about Brian and Rodney. A lot of people think that they’re part of some elaborate scheme. One person writes, “We know that Brian and Rodney are actors who are sympathetic to the conspiracy movement. We know you are being funded by wealthy individuals that also support this cause. You talk about the truth, but do nothing to promote it.” Okay. And another leaves us a voice message.
Speaker 4: We can see through all this bullshit. I saw through it in the first episode. We can see what you’re doing, but you’re destroying our society with this nonsense, so just stop trying to convince us that humans are lizards, okay? It’s ridiculous. I know where you live.
Wilkie: Well, I think he had the wrong number. We’ve also had countless messages of support and people wanting us to keep revealing the truth, which we will. The thing is, this idea of proof, everyone on both sides think they have it, right? But what is it? What is real proof? I’ve been thinking that this is perhaps just too big a truth to reveal, that even if it is 100% true, it’s still too big, so why bother? But then, Rodney and Brian remind me that it’s our duty to at least try. So that’s what we’re doing, trying. As part of that idea, I wanted to see how the truth can get twisted and how people convince themselves to believe one thing or another. You’re about to hear from Dr. [Berkoff 00:04:13] [Feneton 00:04:13] again, the well-respected psychologist who studied in the Mammalian School of Cross Functional Double A. Oh, and don’t worry, we’ll get to Russia and Assange and Snowden as soon as we’ve listened to what Berkoff has to say. This is him talking about his ideas.
Wilkie: So, last time we started about the truth. I’d like to expand on that if we can.
Dr. Berkoff F.: Yes, indeed. I’ve come to believe that the truth is like a cat, or cats.
Wilkie: Like a cat?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Yes, Silky.
Wilkie: It’s Willkie.
Dr. Berkoff F.: So, Milky, the more you look at a cat, the more it looks at you. Correct? The more you let it look at you, the more you become the cat and the more the cat becomes human. So much so, we don’t know who’s the cat and who’s the human. The truth sits on either side, but it cannot exist without a cat. This is not opera.
Wilkie: Opera? How so?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Opera is music, correct?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Well, there you go. That’s your answer.
Wilkie: I’m confused.
Dr. Berkoff F.: The truth is confusing.
Wilkie: What, so people will believe any lie or they’ll make a lie the truth?
Dr. Berkoff F.: There’s that, and there’s one like a truth or a lie.
Wilkie: Eh? What, so when it comes to something as big as landing on the moon, for example, many people listening to this would absolutely, no questions, say it was real, that it happened, that we’re crazy for thinking it didn’t. Then there’s the other camp that says it was faked and have evidence to suggest it was, but then the criticism is everyone who thinks of a conspiracy can find anything that looks like a conspiracy. So the question is, how do we find the truth?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Well, context is everything. You know if they try to sell the same story today in the same way with the same amount of analysis at hand, I doubt you would get that [inaudible 00:05:40] of opinion. Contextually, everything was more controlled and new then. Do you follow me?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Television was hyper controlled, not democratic, because it was totally new. Innovation was at an all time low and kept to the realms of the government. So when all of that is controlled and you release a story in that way, you have no choice but to believe, because there was nowhere else to go or to look. At the time, that is. You know, Vilky, I did a study in the Congo-
Wilkie: It’s Willkie.
Dr. Berkoff F.: … with a group of monkeys. We were looking to see if the content of truth and lies lived in the world of monkeys. So one day, we were observing them as they walked down to the river. A couple of the younger ones were bathing, and I remember Eli, the male … he was the male, Eli … walking down to one of the younger females and he was beating on his chest, just beating. And the female gets this look on her face, and then she lies down in the soixante-neuf position and they both start going at it hammer and tongs. It really was something. But as the other monkeys came to watch, they’d stop the sexual act until the others looked away, and then they both orgasmed at the same time. We’d never seen that before. I can still hear the howls to this day. Fascinating.
Wilkie: And what’s that got to do with truth and lies?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Nothing, really. It was just a good story. But I did notice Eli stealing some jewels from another monkey once, and then pointing his finger at a buffalo, so who knows?
Wilkie: But what can your research tell us about what is true and what is not? I’m just trying to get a straight answer here.
Dr. Berkoff F.: I’m afraid you’re completely buggered there. The thing is, it’s so distorted, so morphological, so manufactured today, both lies and the truth, that it’s impossible to tell. You see, Tilkie, people only believe what’s in front of them. They can’t invest in going back and discovering lies, you see, because that would mean nothing in essence could be true, so why bother? No, your project is an impossible one. The moon, how apt. In all probability, it probably is a lie, but then, is it? And what is a lie? Was that the actual thing that happened? Well, someone said it did, just not the way they wanted it to. Follow me?
Wilkie: I guess. What do you think about the moon landings [inaudible 00:07:29].
Dr. Berkoff F.: I don’t think it matters, does it? It’s like trying to distinguish between consciousness and unconsciousness. We think we know the difference, but do we? What if this reality we’re in is a hyper-reality and therefore, we’re not in it, we are unconscious in it? You see, blinding contradictions, lies, corruption and deceit have no effect on people even when it’s in front of them. Do you follow me? The only thing that matters these days is peer opinion. You’re better off being a monkey, seriously.
Wilkie: Right. So, do you think there could ever be a scenario where a certain small number of people could convince the world of something as significant as hoaxing the moon landings, for example?
Dr. Berkoff F.: There are cases in history, for sure. Etched into caves, for example.
Dr. Berkoff F.: Caves, yes. I once did an experiment with a bunch of children in some caves. The idea was we were going to find some cave paintings to see how children would interpret them from an unblemished and uncensorable mind, so to speak. But the real experiment was about how children would behave when frightened and how different children perceive and handle fear when told one thing but get presented with another. So, a lie or a truth. We took these children into these caves and after 10 minutes, their torches all started to fade. Are you following me?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Now when the children were plunged into darkness, you’d probably expect screams and frenzy, stuff like that, right?
Wilkie: Yeah, it’d seem so. Yeah.
Dr. Berkoff F.: Well, very interesting. What really happened was astounding. They all just quietly and delicately wet their pants. All you could hear was the trickle of pee crawling down their legs onto the cold, stone floor of the cave. Have you ever heard the mutual wetting of 15 pairs of pants? It’s creepy.
Wilkie: Isn’t that irresponsible?
Dr. Berkoff F.: No, you don’t understand. It does things to you, the dripping, the little feet shuffling. Those children got us. You see, they knew.
Wilkie: Right, but forgive me, what does that have to do with us trying to expose the truth about the moon landings?
Dr. Berkoff F.: It’s all there, Willkie. It’s all in my book. You came, you saw, you do what you didn’t see. You’ve just got to look for it.
Wilkie: Okay. So, what advice do you have for those who are trying to expose the truth?
Dr. Berkoff F.: Get out of the cave, because if it’s the actual truth, there was no witness protection program for moon landing deniers, is there? Let’s just put it that way. Ironically, you’re better off getting off this planet altogether. Toodle pip.
Wilkie: So, Russia. You’re probably wondering how we ended up here. Well, Panama was an experience and a half. After we decided to get the information out in a credible way, we spoke with Julian Assange and he told us the best thing to do was to go to Russia and get in touch with Edward Snowden.
Julian Assange: The best thing to do is get in touch with Edward Snowden.
Wilkie: He said we can then set up a base camp there.
Julian Assange: We can then set up a base camp there.
Wilkie: And that we would be safe from extradition.
Julian Assange: You’ll also be safe from extradition.
Wilkie: Hold on. Let’s just pause here for a minute. Extradition? Things were now starting to get very, very serious. Julian, you know we’ve gone from just trying to find a missing person to now talking about extradition, all in the space of a few months, but I’m not sure if this is the best thing to be doing.
Julian Assange: What is your life’s purpose, Willkie?
Wilkie: I’m not sure. To help people, I guess.
Julian Assange: Right. And do you not think that this is helping people?
Wilkie: Well, yes, I guess so, but we’ve involved so many people. Maybe we should just drop it all. I mean, we’ve found Rodney now, so why don’t we just head back to the States and call it a day?
Julian Assange: Look, you can do what you like, but this is the point where a lot of people drop out and why the truth stays a lie. You know, I was constipated once and if I just gave up and thought, “I’m just gonna let it all back up and coagulate and sit there,” then you know where I’d be now? Dead, probably. So, no. I went out and I ate 22 prunes and I was fine. All I’m saying, eat some prunes, Willkie.
Wilkie: All right. So we get to Russia, then what?
Julian Assange: Then we make a plan. I’ll meet you there. Well, not in person, obviously, but I’ll send you the J-Box.
Wilkie: The J-box?
Julian Assange: It’s a little encrypted box that means I’ll be able to communicate with you and be with you every step of the way without actually physically being there.
Wilkie: What, like a conference phone?
Julian Assange: Willkie, how dare you? No, it’s nothing like that. It’s actually NASA technology, ironically. It means I’ll be with you all the way. Now, get yourself, Ryan and Rodney over to Russia and let’s meet up in a week.
Wilkie: So, there’s a high profile lawyer who’s worked on a number of international human rights cases. We’re good friends and I figured now was the time to run a few scenarios past him to see where we all stood. Obviously, we’re getting in deep now and before we head to Russia, I wanted to make sure we were all protected or at least know the risks we were taking. I send him a brief overview of everything and we jump on a call.
Wilkie: So, what do you think?
Speaker 5: What do I think? Oh, Willkie. Well, there are a number of things you have to consider here, the first being, can I classify this as a matter of national security, of national interest?
Wilkie: I think it is, yeah.
Speaker 5: Then that’s not good for you, because if they claim this is risky or damaging to the national interest, then they can make a case that you’re an enemy of the state, including charges of communicating national defense information to an unauthorized source, or a more serious charge, aiding the enemy.
Speaker 5: Other charges could include violations of the Espionage Act, stealing US Government property and charges under the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act, exactly like we saw with Chelsea Manning.
Wilkie: Whoa, whoa, hold on. What? Aiding the enemy. What enemy?
Speaker 5: The thing is, they don’t have to be real, right? It could be aliens, for example.
Wilkie: But the government say aliens don’t exist.
Speaker 5: Sure, but if the possibility exists that they exist and you’re working with them, then they have a case. You see, Willkie, it doesn’t matter. They could argue that even if the moon landings were fake, that to broadcast that or reveal it would be exposing a state secret. Even though it’s a cover up, you’re still exposing it, so-
PART 1 OF 3 ENDS [00:13:04]
Edward: secret. Even though it’s a cover up, you’re still exposing it, so technically they can put you in jail for exposing something that isn’t real but they said was real.
Wilkie: But that’s crazy.
Edward: Sure, but the law doesn’t have to make any sense, Wilkie. In fact, oftentimes it never does. The men and women that wrote it were more reasonable men and women than the ones that implement it today. I mean, do you know how many judges are on antidepressants? You would be shocked.
Wilkie: So, what advice can you give us?
Edward: Well, I wouldn’t take on the worlds biggest superpower, personally. But knowing what I know now, I think there might be a duty to somehow get this information out. It’s an individual question. You need to find a way to do it without it looking like damage could occur to the state or its people.
Wilkie: Oh, God.
Edward: You might find some sympathizers in Russia to help you, but that will easily be dismissible as propaganda, but it is an option. The best bet is to try to work with the state, which sounds like an insane notion, or get as many people as you can working within it on this cover up to come forward.
Wilkie: Yeah, okay, I get it, but that’s not really an answer, is it?
Edward: I’m a lawyer, Wilkie. That’s what we do.
Wilkie: Scary stuff, eh? I mean, I could go to prison. We could all be made to look like utter fools. Another headline, another enemy of the state. As I said before, we’re getting emails every day, some saying how unbelievable this all is and that it’s probably just all made up and it hurts when I get those. I mean, look, sometimes I wish I could just go back to where I was before this all started, I really do. I didn’t ask for this. My life is turning upside down, and some people think it’s bullshit. I mean, for fucks sake.
Wilkie: So, I sit down with Brian, Rodney, and Elmia, and we discuss it. Rodney and Brian want to go to Russia. It’s like it’s given them something new to focus on, somehow bringing them closer together. I figure I get enough flack as a forensic psychic anyway, so I might as well throw myself into the fire.
Wilkie: Elmia says he’ll say in Panama but he can organize a plane for us. So, within 24 hours, we arrive in Moscow and get taken to room 237 of the [Obodravat 00:15:06] Hotel where we meet. I kid you not, Edward Snowdon and Julian Assange via his J box, this weird looking pink hexagon with blue flashing lights that you wear like a bum bag. Julian insists I take it with me wherever I go and never take it off. Edward has pulled open the blinds, and is pensively gazing at the afternoon sky.
Speaker 6: Clouds aren’t clouds.
Edward: Yeah, they’re microphone.
Brian: Is this one of your in-jokes?
Edward: Brian, clouds are nano microphone particles put together in a glass.
Edward: We’ve known this for years and years, okay? When it rains, they release even more nano receptors down onto your rooftops and your drains and your pipes. Yeah, so now, we have conductors everywhere in every home, every place, all over the world. I can patch in right now to the Amazon and let you know what one tribe member is saying to a python.
Brian: What the fuck?
Edward: I kid you not Brian.
Brian: So they can hear us now?
Speaker 6: Of course, they can.
Brian: Why are we talking?
Rodeny: Because, even if we write stuff down, the suns rays have now been converted into tiny micro cameras. So the only option is to sit in the dark.
Wilkie: Gentleman, can you see that if you went out with this tomorrow, whatever it is, let alone the moon landing story, people would just laugh. Sun cameras, cloud microphones, moon hoax. I mean, come on fellas.
Edward: But that’s the moral imperative. It’s too scary to believe. When you put what you just said in a context, right, in context of technological and scientific advancement, it’s child’s play, right? We can now show you time travel, yeah, proven. We can transport large volumes of info in a grain of rice, the list goes on.
Edward: So to think that clouds are not microphones, that water is not a conductor of noise and that the sun’s rays can’t take pictures, it’s selected acceptance and nonacceptance. In other words, I will accept that these things true because they’ve been on the news, whatever that is. But when it comes to something that may threaten me in some way, or elude that the government has secrets, then I accept not to believe it.
Edward: See, that’s the selective convenient thinking that humans build in themselves to protect themselves. It’s illogical to accept that we can do one thing with technology but not another. So people at home may laugh about sun clouds and microphones, but if they applied open thinking to it, then perhaps they’d take a different point of view.
Edward: Don’t forget, we all used to think the world was flat, some still do. And that cigarettes were healthy, and the foot pyramid was the right way up. These were all heavily ingrained and agreed upon beliefs that if challenged in that time, would have been laughed at in some way. Humans are not good at accepting that we don’t know everything and that people get things wrong all the time. The idea of [inaudible 00:18:02] perfection and corruption, it’s the biggest mistake we’re making.
Speaker 6: There’s no Zika virus, for example.
Wilkie: What? I believe that.
Speaker 6: Just look it up. Look up the doctor that discovered swine flu, which doesn’t really exist, it’s a media concept. That doctors in prison now.
Wilkie: Well, I think I got swine flu last winter. Anyway, we’ve seem to have gone off topic slightly.
Edward: Not really. It’s just all part of the same argument, truths being lies.
Wilkie: Yup, okay every. Look, can we just talk about the moon landings please.
Speaker 6: Yeah, sure. Let’s do that.
Wilkie: So we have all this great validated information from several astronauts and a few NASA employees plus we have Austins meetings and interviews and his tapes.
Brian: All legit.
Wilkie: Right. So the question is, how do we release this in the most effective way possible?
Edward: Well, we have to gain maximum impact with maximum credibility. These documents need to be ratified and we need more people to come forward. We have to walk people through how it was fake because, remember, this is 50 year old lie.
Speaker 6: It has to be a simultaneous media event, I’d say, with credible journalists.
Brian: Well, [Almera’s 00:19:06] Warehouse can be the place to walk us through how they did it.
Edward: We can use, yeah, Wikileaks community to spread everything.
Wilkie: And what about government retaliation?
Edward: Well, we got to do it from where you guys are, Russia, so we’re safe. We need to get Putin involved.
Brian: Might as well get Oliver Stone as well.
Speaker 6: Oh, bravo, that’s a great idea.
Brian: I was joking.
Speaker 6: No, no, no. He can do the walkthrough documentary on how they set it all up. He and Putin are buddies now.
Wilkie: Has everyone listened to the tapes and read the papers?
Edward: Of course, and have you authenticated all of them?
Wilkie: Yes, they’re all ratified.
Rodeny: And what about the astronauts stat decs?
Wilkie: Yeah, only issue is, we don’t know who this Mitch [Aposki 00:19:38] is. There’s no record of him, yet he claims he was part of the whole thing.
Edward: Is he still alive?
Rodeny: Well, that’s the thing. We don’t know if he even exists.
Wilkie: Can you hand me his letter?
Rodeny: Yeah, sure. It’s this one. No, no, no. Sorry, it’s this one. Here you go, cheers.
Wilkie: Interesting. Oh boy, I’m getting something.
Brian: Like a vision?
Wilkie: No, no, no. A feeling. Okay. So for everyone listening, at this point, I go into a fit and start to channel Mitch. I’ll play the tape from when I come to and Mitch is speaking through me.
Mitch: Oh wow, took you guys long enough.
Brian: Is that you Mitch?
Mitch: Yup. Mitch [Aposki 00:20:23] closer and [inaudible 00:20:25].
Rodeny: Mitch, we’re looking at how the moon landings were fixed, can you tell us anything about that?
Mitch: I can.
Brian: Are you still alive somewhere?
Mitch: No. I’ve passed over. They hid me out in that god awful place for years, made me change my name, made me work in the post office looking at stamps of the moon and the other astronauts, that’s what killed me. I licked the back of those assholes every day.
Rodeny: Mitch, we know it’s dangerous but we’re just after the truth. Is there anything you can tell us?
Mitch: A lot of things. But you know the one thing that no one ever talks about.
Brian: No, what?
Mitch: The [inaudible 00:21:09]. We used to call Neal [inaudible 00:21:11]. But Neal could talk to Nixon from the surface of the moon with no interruptions and no delay on a clear line. Do you know how many wave particles [inaudible 00:21:23] and radiation, let alone other unknown transmissions orbiting the Earth and Moon at any one time? It would be impossible for that call to have been made.
Brian: So you’re saying that call was fake?
Mitch: Listen buddy, I was there. Neal and I were eating a Carl’s Jr burger in a shed in Lincoln County Nevada. If you listen closely, you can hear him taking a bite about three seconds in.
Brian: Is there any way we can prove this Mitch?
Mitch: Well, apart from my word, no. But if you speak to the experts, they’ll back it up. That call was made from down here, believe me. You should also get in touch with that photographer who took all the photos. You know he wasn’t in space right? In fact, he wasn’t even a photographer. He was a computer wiz. Came up with a retouching program way back then. Amazing stuff, really.
Rodeny: What happened to him? Can we track him down?
Mitch: He’s dead too.
Edward: They killed him.
Mitch: No. He overdosed on Viagra. It was the early years, he thought you needed to take a months worth in advance. I remember now, because at his funeral, they had to build a [inaudible 00:22:35] on the coffin. You know how embarrassing that is for a man? A [inaudible 00:22:41].
Rodeny: Wilkie? Wilkie, is Mitch still there?
Wilkie: No, sorry guys. He patched out.
Brian: Jesus man, this just gets weirder.
Edward: I never though about the phone call.
Brian: It does make sense though. Think about it. The moon is 230 thousand miles away. We can’t even get lines that clear in 2018.
Rodeny: Exactly. So what do we do now?
Speaker 6: Well, we party.
Speaker 6: Wait for the beat drop. Wait, wait for it. Fucking love it. Yeah.
Edward: Yeah. Love it.
Brian: Come one.
Edward: I love it.
Rodeny: Look, look, in the booth, it’s the [inaudible 00:23:23]. Fuck, it is.
Edward: Is it [inaudible 00:23:26]? Is it from the [inaudible 00:23:27]. Yeah, I love night clubs.
Rodeny: It is them, 100%.
Edward: Go over and say hi.
Rodeny: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.
Edward: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Just go and have a chat.
Wilkie: Since we’re in a club, you can’t hear much. So I’ll explain what happened. So we walk over to Art and Allen and sit in their booth. It was hard to talk over the music but Ed sat down next to them and chatted about something. Then, Art and Allen get up, and we follow them through the throng of sweaty bodies into a backroom. That’s where the audio becomes a little clearer.
Wilkie: The room is simply lit with an amber glow and there are two red sofas and a couple of old beige armchairs. There’s a small glass table in the middle of the room and a couple of old deck chairs in one corner. It smells of sticky spilt whisky and stale ashtrays.
Speaker 7: [Foreign 00:24:18]?
Allen: She says, “Fancy seeing you here Edward. Long time no see.”
Edward: What are you guys doing here?
Speaker 7: [Foreign 00:24:24].
Allen: She’s asking, “Who the fuck is that? And what is that pink box?”
Wilkie: It’s Julian Assange. Long story.
Allen: Well, to answer your question Julian, we’re trying to keep you out of trouble my dear. You know we can’t have another leak from the leakers.
Speaker 8: You do realize you have no power here? This is Russia.
Speaker 7: [Foreign 00:24:44].
Allen: Ah, she’s saying, “You’re right.” But we traveled all this way and we did all this recon work for what, nothing?
Wilkie: Looks like it Allen.
Allen: Well heck, I guess that also means the presidential pardon’s we were going to hand over to Mr. Assange and Mr. Snowden here, well, they go away too.
Speaker 6: Oh, come one. As if you guys were going to give the presidential pardons.
Allen: Well, you know-
Wilkie: What is it about us finding Rodney that the FBI so interested in anyway?
Allen: Oh, I don’t know. The whole moon landings were fake.
Speaker 7: Yes, yes, yes. [Foreign 00:25:17].
Wilkie: Have you seen the evidence?
Allen: Evidence? How hilarious. But not as hilarious as this pardon I have in my hands. Go on, take a look.
Wilkie: So Allen hands Snowden a folder with two documents that look official but it’s hard to tell.
Edward: Look, even if this is really, I’m not stupid enough to go back to America.
Speaker 8: Me either.
Speaker 9: My grandfather used to say that there were two types of people, time tellers and time wasters. Time tellers, well, they’re just greasy little people trying to get their ass into the spotlight. Letting their ego rule them but playing like they don’t have one.
Speaker 9: And the time wasters? Well, you can tell those idiots from what they look like, from their flesh, from their eyes, because they keep rejecting logic right then and there. So you go on sonny, and stop wasting my time.
PART 2 OF 3 ENDS [00:26:04]
Speaker 10: Logic right then and there. So, you go on, Sonny, and stop wasting my time because, to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.
Speaker 11: Shawshank, right?
Speaker 12: You know my grandfather had a story, too.
Edward: Oh, yeah? Mine, too.
Speaker 12: Did yours give you a hanky?
Edward: Uh-huh (affirmative). Two, in fact.
Speaker 16: You’re listening to Edward Snowden putting two handkerchiefs up to the faces of Art and Allen, and those thumps are Art and Allen falling to the floor.
Speaker 14: Fuck. What the fuck? Shit. What do we do now?
Speaker 12: Tie them up and interrogate them.
Speaker 11: Are you serious?
Edward: Yeah. Trust us.
Speaker 16: By now, I’m standing in the corner, in shock, watching Ed rummage around for something to tie up Art and Allen with. Eventually, they use a lamp cord. Then we all sit and wait for them to come round.
Speaker 12: Edward have you got Guantanamo dummies?
Edward: Yep, right here.
Speaker 11: What’s that?
Speaker 12: Its a torture guard.
Speaker 11: We’re not gonna torture them.
Speaker 12: Were gonna do whatever we need to do to get the truth.
Edward: Says here tickling is effective as a first line of attack.
Speaker 12: Anyone got anything you can tickle them with?
Wilkie: You could use that lace off that lamp.
Edward: Great idea.
Speaker 11: This is crazy
Allen: Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, please, please stop.
Art: There’s no need to do that! We’ll tell you everything.
Allen: Take my nails out, waterboard me. Please I wanna be waterboarded.
Art: Stop it, Allen, we can’t play these weird games anymore we need to tell them.
Speaker 11: Tell us what? How come you can speak English now?
Speaker 12: It could be a delayed reaction from the chloroform and the amnesia.
Allen: Ah, shit.
Art: Its okay Allen, we’re screwed anyway.
Allen: I’m screwed.
Art: We’re in on all of it. We need to tell them. Guys, we know what you have and we’ve been trying to help you.
Speaker 13: What, hold up, what? What are you talking about?
Allen: We needed to keep a cover and we needed you to get to this point. We put ourselves up for the mission knowing that we would let you get this far and knowing that this information would get into the right hands.
Speaker 14: So it was you guys helping?
Art: We didn’t start that way, but when we saw the evidence, we knew something was wrong. There had to be a huge cover up and well-
Allen: And so we needed to pretend to hunt you guys down but at the same time we’ve been helping you working with Captain Thunderbolt and the Russian.
Art: We know about everything, Rodney, the recording, the documents, the declarations, even the porno.
Rodney: What porno?
Allen: Oh, well there was a space porno thing, but that’s not important right now. We found a lot more evidence and it convinced us that something was up.
Speaker 11: More evidence?
Art: Yes, but we couldn’t just give it to you, we’re monitor.
Allen: And we needed a cover, so we could play like we’re hunting you down to try to stop it, but you’d slip through and then we’d feed you intel and you could make sure the truth got out.
Speaker 13: Yeah, alright, but how do we know that you aren’t lying just to get out of this?
Art: Look, there is a thing we need to do before we hand everything over which should convince you, okay?
Speaker 13: A thing? What’s that? What thing?
Art: We need to fake our own deaths.
Speaker 13: You what?-
Allen: We can’t go back to the States, so you need to make sure our deaths look real.
Speaker 11: We’re not gonna kill you. Are you insane?
Allen: No, we have a mortician arriving about now.
Rodney: A what?
Speaker 16: A large man, with a very thick neck wheels in four trolleys with a body bag on each.
Art: Hello, [inaudible 00:29:01].
Rodney: Only in Russia, eh?
Speaker 15: I [inaudible 00:29:05] what you asked.
Allen: Okay, do they look like us?
Speaker 15: You must [inaudible 00:29:08].
Speaker 16: Art and Ellen open the first body bag. It’s a gruesome sight.
Art: No, she looks like someone that says everything happens for a reason. That’s not me.
Speaker 15: Yes, that was person that goes to Boley and does juice fast to cure pain of inability to be emotionally available, but then tries to symbolize pain through turquoise jewelry and hiking [inaudible 00:29:31] Everest and intense hot yoga.
Art: Exactly what I was going to say.
Speaker 15: What about this one?
Allen: He looks a little like me, I guess, same height I think, but that face? It’s a face that says-
Art: Pharmaceutical industry? Exactly.
Speaker 15: You mean type of guy who says he saves lives and goes on TV wearing bow tie, but five minutes after interview hires bunch of Instagram thirst traps to come to hotel for midori and lemonade. Like who the fuck drinks that shit anymore? Then he does lines off coke off their bags, but something switches in his head and he grabs signed baseball bat he got from opening fucking baseball game and beats shit out of stripper that looks like his mother.
Allen: I don’t know I-
Speaker 13: I think you guys need to pick two and be done with it. This is really fucking creepy.
Allen: I’m gonna go with that guy.
Art: And I’ll go with her. Thanks.
Art: Okay! So we have us dead. I mean, not really us, but these. Okay, we need to put our DNA on them. Allen?
Allen: Will it work if we hug them?
Art: Just hug tight, Allen, maybe leave some saliva, okay?
Allen: One last thing. We kept the last recording for you.
Speaker 13: The last recording?
Allen: Orsen’s final declaration. We found it on the dark web.
Wilkie: Where is it?
Art: Here. In a thumb drive.
Speaker 14: You’re kidding!
Allen: Check if you don’t believe us.
Speaker 16: We grabbed the USB stick, but there’s no computer to play it on. Bryan suggests we ask the DJ to play it through his laptop. We head back into the main club, and a few minutes later, playing throughout the entire Russian night club, we hear this.
Orsen Welks: This is Orsen Welks, ladies and gentleman, out of character to assure you that what you are listening to is very real. But what you are and what you believe is not. There is nothing real here, only controlled falsities. There are forces here on Earth that have destroyed what it is to be human. And there are those who are not human who live amongst us in the universe that we need to make friends with. There are beautiful lifeforms near us, in fact, only four million miles away that do exist. They exist as much as clean energy has existed for hundreds of years. Powerful energy. Energy that can do so much good for the world. But of course all of this is hidden, because of money.
Orsen Welks: So I ask you, do you want to keep being slaves to lives or do you want to be free? In the end you probably will never understand. I have seen it with my own eyes, looked into the future with the Martians with all other lifeforms, the rest will play out according to the inter structural script. But within that struggle, we find strength. We wake up, we stay up, our eyes stay open. We are hardly the first wolves in the wilderness. History is full of them. The world will not come to its senses until there is a global crisis. War, famine, or most likely a plague. An invasion from my dear friends on Mars, Pluto, Uranus, Neptune, Mercury. Real values will emerge again. That’s when we’ll get back to being human. So all our pasts out there are going to wake people up, bring them back to humankind. We wait for that day of an alien invasion for that’s when people truly see each other as the same.
Orsen Welks: Until then my hope is that we repeal our forms of government and we unlock the vault of truth and set it free. We have only completed the beginning. We leave too much that is undone. There are great ideas undiscovered, great truths available to those who can remove one of truth’s protective layers. So let the aliens roam. Let us enjoy their technology, their jokes, their intergalactic theme parks. Let us travel with them and join them in their traditions. This can be the only reasonable future for a reasonable man. So goodbye everybody, and remember the terrible lesson you learned tonight. That green, glowing, globular invader in your living room is an inhabitant [inaudible 00:34:08] and if your doorbell rings and nobody is there, that was most definitely one of my [inaudible 00:34:15] friends.
Art: Okay! So we weren’t meant to play that to a night club full of Russians, we were supposed to pursue you while you got the evidence organized and put together your case.
Rodney: And in the mean time, you would’ve contacted every media outlet, social, web, and mainstream, encrypted the cables, and done the film-
Art: [crosstalk 00:34:44] And it all comes out at once with credible sources and puts massive pressure on the government to finally admit it’s made up the biggest lie since Santa Clause!
Speaker 14: We can still do that, but let’s just get it all out there. It’s the 50th anniversary next July, we can sabotage the celebrations.
Art: No, it’s gonna get buried, but in October, it’ll be 80 years since the War of the Worlds, so it has to be this year.
Rodney: Okay, I’m in.
Speaker 11: Christ, you scared the shit out of me! I forgot you were still there.
Rodney: I hope the world is ready, guys.
Speaker 13: It doesn’t have a choice. The truth waits for no one.
Allen: But first we need the big finale. Our corpses need to be found.
Speaker 11: What? There has to be an alternative.
Art: No, people need to witness it, make it legitimate. It has to be us chasing you guys and almost killing you, but you kill us.
Speaker 11: Really? Can’t we just make something up?
Allen: Uh-uh (negative), it won’t fly, we need witnesses. Legitimate or not, it has to look real.
Art: I always wanted to go this way.
Allen: Oh, me too, totally.
Speaker 11: Guys, come on, this is just crazy.
Speaker 13: No, they’re right. If we run out and it looks like they were trying to kill us, there are over a hundred witnesses here.
Allen: So here’s what we’ll do. You guys all run out the door. About 20 seconds later we’ll follow you into the lobby and we’ll shoot at the ceiling.
Art: You guys get out of the building, and jump in a cab. We will give chase.
Allen: Hopefully you’ll be gone by the time we get outside.
Speaker 11: But what if this is a lie and you guys are tricking us?
Speaker 13: Or we do it the other way around, right, you guys escape, we chase you, and try and blow you up.
Speaker 11: I like that better.
Art: No, I’m not sure you guys are used to handling firearms.
Allen: Look, we can make sure we miss.
Speaker 11: No, I think we do it this way. Where are your guns?
Art: Okay, fine. They’re in our jackets.
Speaker 14: What, we didn’t check them?
Speaker 11: I thought you did.
Speaker 14: No, Wilkie?
Wilkie: No, Why would I?
Art: No, you’re stupid. Here, take them.
Allen: Point at the ceiling, please, okay? Also, we need to grab the explosives.
Speaker 13: Explosives? What?
Art: Yeah, sure, we need the whole place to go down, over there in that jacket.
Rodney: My God, this is fucked up.
Allen: Okay, we’re gonna run on three, then give us five seconds then come out shooting. Make it look real, okay.
Speaker 13: Hang on, on three, or three and then go?
Allen: Are you serious? Okay, ready? One, two, three.
Speaker 16: Grover’s Mill was written and produced by Matt Kohen Gold and Rupert Daygass. Our cast of characters was performed by Rupert Degas and Amy Horn. Music and sound design was by Matt Slaydon, with special thanks to Megan Thate. Mark Gluhak, Barry Stuart, Marcus Beer, Steven Busuttil, Zansant Pierre, and Anya Dullganover. This has been a Grover’s Mill Production, Copyright 2018.
Speaker 16: Grover’s Mill is a fictional podcast that is shared with you as a satire and parody. It depicts entirely fictitious situations that are products of the writers imaginations. The podcast references familiar places and events, and whilst we have also used some real life personalities, the characteristics, qualities, and actions that we’ve applied to those people are not intended to be real. We also do not suggest any association with or sponsorship by any person or entity. All of the names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons living or deceased, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. For further information on Grover’s Mill, and its use in satire, parody, and fiction, please read the disclaimer on our website, groversmillpodcast.com
PART 3 OF 3 ENDS [00:38:54]