Grovers Mill is a community that was initially made famous in Orson Welles’ 1938 radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, where it was depicted as the epicenter of a Martian invasion, on October 30 of that year. There have been numerous references in fiction, including The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, the Wild Cards book series, and a town called Miller’s Grove in The X-Files episode “War of the Coprophages”. In issue 11 of DC Comics’ The Shadow Strikes (1989), The Shadow teams up with a radio announcer named Grover Mills, a character based on the young Orson Welles, who has been impersonating The Shadow on the radio. Welles played the Shadow on radio prior to the War of the Worlds broadcast. An episode of the War of the Worlds TV series takes place in Grover’s Mill on the 50th anniversary of the Welles radio drama, and expands on the town’s ties to the infamous broadcast. (Wikipedia 2018). Grover’s Mill Podcast is a podcast put together by a team of passionate people from all around the world. It has been two years in the making and is meant to be a form of entertainment. It has taken the spirit of the great works before it. It is a fictional podcast, that is shared with you as a satire and parody. The Podcast references familiar people, places, locations, pop-culture, historical points of interest and social settings to give context to the story for the purpose of conveying its satirical nature. The events, conversations and occurrences depicted in the Podcast were conceived by the Producers of the Podcast, and as far as the Producers are aware, they did not actually occur. Additionally, we have used some real-life personalities. However, the characteristics, qualities and actions that we have applied to those people are not meant to be real, and were conceived for the sole purpose of conveying and giving life to the Grover’s Mill story. To the extent permissible, in no event shall the Producers be liable for any damage, loss, harm, cost, disruption or confusion that arises as a result of listening to or engaging with the Grover’s Mill Podcast.
*Note to reader. This is a fictional satirical podcast designed with parody for comedic purposes only-see our disclaimer on the website for more information.
Speaker: Hi just a quick warning that the following episodes contains adult content and themes that some people may find offensive. Listener discretion is advised.
Wilky Poe: Previously on Grover’s Mill.
Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a grave announcement to make. Incredible as it may seem, both the observations of science and the evidence of our eyes lead to the inescapable assumption that …
Speaker 2: Welcome all to Mercury. Your daya clocks are set. Remember, the air is dangerous, but the nitrogen is not. Next flight to Saturn departs in 42 orbitals.
Wilky Poe: That’s it, yeah. Well, it was amazing though. Like, it was a big bang down on Earth for them, wasn’t it?
Speaker 3: That was when humans were fun.
Speaker 4: Okay, all flight controllers, gonna go for landing. Retro.
Speaker 5: Go!
Speaker 4: Fido.
Speaker 6: Go!
Speaker 4: Guidance.
Speaker 7: Go!
Speaker 4: Control.
Speaker 8: Go.
Speaker 4: [Delcon 00:01:05].
Speaker 9: Go.
Speaker 4: GNC.
Speaker 10: Go.
Speaker 4: [Hecon 00:01:07].
Speaker 11: Go.
Speaker 4: Surgeons.
Speaker 12: Go.
Speaker 4: Captain, we’re go for landing.
Speaker 13: Okay, engine stop. We copy you down, Adolph. [inaudible 00:01:44] You’ve got cloudy base, here. The eagle has landed.
Miranda: Right, now you know that kid, Rodney, was good to her so now he’s part of our family.
Miranda: We all been on this journey together, so Dirk and I wanna see through, don’t we Dirk?
Dirk: Damn straight. See it through, to the end.
Miranda: Damn right.
Wilky Poe: This is Miranda talking to me and [Bryan 00:02:09] at the airport while we’re waiting to go through to board our flights at Panama.
Wilky Poe: We know Miranda. Look, without you wanting to start this whole thing, we would never have been here.
Miranda: Damn right, [Wilky 00:02:19]. And we love an adventure, don’t we Dirk?
Dr. Feniton: Oh yeah, we loving those crazy times.
Wilky Poe: Look, I’ll call you when we land, okay? And thank you. Thanks for everything.
Wilky Poe: So, Bryan and I get on the plane with a case of vodka checked in, and arrive at Tocumen Airports in Panama roughly six hours later. We head to our hotel, and pick up a message that someone will be by to collect us at 7AM. I decide that now would be as good a time as any to get in contact with [Dr. Birkhoff Feniton 00:02:48]. I’m hoping he might be able to give us a different perspective on what’s been going on. Birkhoff is a well-respected psychologist and evolutionary biologist who studies the ideas, perceptions, and manifestations of truth and reality. He has spent his life’s work studying why people believe one thing over another, why they’re determined to believe a lie is a truth, and vice versa. And why sometimes it’s the only way for them to make sense of the world.
Wilky Poe: I suppose we’re just trying to find a way to tell people the truth, or certainly what we know to be the truth. Without those … With infinitely more resources like government or corporations or otherwise attempting to silence us with threats, or worse. Not only us, but also those who’ve accepted the truth and adjusted their lives accordingly. So, I guess what I’m asking is, how do we reveal the truth without those powers then changing the narrative to suit their own agendas? Knowing what you’ve learned about the truth, and how people see it, how do we do that?
Dr. Feniton: Yes, right. Very good question. I once did a study involving university students. We got three males and three females in a room, so six students in total. We five wads of cash, each consisting of 1000 pounds worth of 10-pound notes on the table. You following me?
Wilky Poe: Yeah.
Dr. Feniton: We said the object of the exercise was to split the cash equally among the group, yes? Now the only other thing we told them, was that they could also exchange the cash for drugs at the end of the experiment. So, what do you think happened?
Wilky Poe: I don’t know. What, someone stole all the money?
Dr. Feniton: Ah, no! You see, it was fascinating. They all sat there for an hour, probably like a jury would, yes, discussing how they would split up the money. They came to a solution fairly fast, right? I mean, it’s roughly, what, 833 pounds each? But the issue is that the real division is not a round number. Are you following me?
Wilky Poe: Yeah.
Dr. Feniton: So, given the money was in tenners, that would mean there would be 20 pounds left on the table, yes?
Wilky Poe: Right.
Dr. Feniton: So then the argument became about which two students should have the last two tenners. This went on for another two hours. Can you imagine that? The funny thing is, no one in the room thought of just leaving that money so that it was completely even. Just simply leaving it on the table was an option. No one thought of it. Completely passed them by. So this goes on and on and on, and eventually, it turns the gales. Can you imagine? Someone says that they’re taking it all. And then two people, they team up. And then the girls, they go against the boys. And people want to leave the experiment. It’s chaos, chaos. But at the end, the students decide just leave it all. That’s it. The only resolution. Leave it all. Not share it, leave it all there on the table.
Dr. Feniton: But little do they know that before the experiment, while they were in the waiting room, what we had been doing in the holding room, we were playing very quietly the audio from a number of police interrogations of drug dealers. You see, they were primed to abrogate the drug element of the deal, mental exclusion, if you like.
Dr. Feniton: But, that is, from this one girl, yes? Let’s call her Ginger. Just as they were all about to end the experiment, Ginger, you see, our girl, she comes up with an idea. She says, she will take all the money, get the drugs, and then sell them for bigger margins, and then split the money with the rest of the group. Marvelous. Because they’re exhausted, and their brains have come to the conclusion that they’ve looked at every other option. What happens? They all agree.
Wilky Poe: Yeah. Right, so what happened?
Dr. Feniton: That happened.
Wilky Poe: What?
Dr. Feniton: She takes the money and exchanges it for half a kilo of cocaine. I kid you not.
Wilky Poe: Right, so let me guess, she didn’t share the profits and she kept it all for herself.
Dr. Feniton: No, she got killed.
Wilky Poe: What?
Dr. Feniton: Totally fucked her up. Ethically, we could never use real cocaine in a scientific study. It was just baking soda. A couple of dealers found out and killed her. I mean, sad story. But what a study, eh?
Wilky Poe: Yeah. Right, but how do you, or we, know what’s real and what’s not?
Dr. Feniton: Well, you see, for that you need to go onto the whys, and the why nots. It all has to do with power. Power dictates the version or versions of what is real. Fake blasts are fake, but they’re real, as in, they exist, right?
Wilky Poe: Yeah, I suppose so.
Dr. Feniton: So, they’re no longer fake. Right?
Wilky Poe: Right.
Dr. Feniton: Are you following me? I once did an experiment with a bunch of fake plants in offices to see if people thought they would improve the working environment. The office workers all thought they were real plants. Had to water them, care for them, speak to them, and do you know what we found?
Wilky Poe: No, tell me.
Dr. Feniton: Well, actually, I don’t know. I became fatigued with the experiment and moved on. But isn’t that interesting nevertheless?
Wilky Poe: I’m not sure I follow.
Dr. Feniton: Well, there might’ve been a truth somewhere there, but it wasn’t worth pursuing. You are pursuing a missing person in order to get to the truth, correct? But what if it is not there? What if all this is a simulation, and you’re a mere player in a cruel game? What if your soul is just an algorithm set to eventually self-destruct? Can you imagine? Anyway, I must go. I’m running an experiment where we play the Kardashians on a mind-numbing loop to hamsters.
Wilky Poe: Right, yeah. Not a problem, Dr. Feniton. Look, thanks again for your time.
Dr. Feniton: Not at all, the pleasure was all mine. Talk to you soon.
Wilky Poe: Well, I can’t say Dr. Feniton was 100% helpful, so I make a note to ask him more questions in a follow-up call, and Bryan and I decide to go to a local bar to discuss our next moves.
Wilky Poe: As we’re chatting, I spot a well dressed, middle-aged couple coming into the bar, and sit close to us. They’re both wearing Panama hats, which kind of stand out in Panama. I keep glancing at them. Why do they look so familiar? And then I realize, they look exactly like the man and the woman in the photos Matt B. showed us.
Wilky Poe: Hey, don’t look ’round, but I think those men in black type guys are here, behind you.
Wilky Poe: Yeah. I’m pretty sure.
Bryan: What should we do?
Wilky Poe: Oh, I don’t know. I think we should go talk to them.
Bryan: Wilky, really? What if they arrest us, or worse?
Wilky Poe: Oh, come on, they would’ve done that by now.
Wilky Poe: I walk over, and introduce myself. It’s then that I notice they both have step haircuts. It is them.
Wilky Poe: Hi, I’m Wilky Poe. You two look like you’re from out of town. We are too, so we thought we’d come over and say hi.
Allen Markeson: Hi.
Wilky Poe: This is Bryan.
Allen Markeson: Hi.
Allen Markeson: [Art 00:08:43] here speaks her own unique language. She’s saying hello.
Wilky Poe: Hi.
Wilky Poe: There’s an awkward pause, understandably. Maybe they think we’re trying to pick them up.
Wilky Poe: And, what’s your name?
Allen Markeson: Art Livers, is her name. And I’m Allen Markeson.
Allen Markeson: She’s asking what you do.
Wilky Poe: Me? I’m a forensic psychic.
Allen Markeson: That’s hilarious. Tell me, is my cat going to die?
Wilky Poe: Look, I don’t predict things. I help find things.
Allen Markeson: Right.
Allen Markeson: No, no, Art. No, no. He can’t really predict things.
Allen Markeson: So what’re you guys doing in Panama? Business?
Bryan: We’re on vacation.
Allen Markeson: Yeah, vacation. She thinks you’re lying.
Bryan: Well, it’s true. And what’re you guys doing?
Allen Markeson: We’re in the movie business.
Bryan: Oh, right. Big movies, like FBI type movies?
Allen Markeson: She says, the FBI, that’s funny. What would the FBI be doing down here?
Bryan: Oh, I don’t know, maybe the FBI don’t want anyone to know the moon landings were faked.
Wilky Poe: Bryan! He’s just joking.
Allen Markeson: Moon landings? (laughs) No, no. We’re just here scouting for locations.
Wilky Poe: That banging you can hear is Art bashing her head on the table.
Allen Markeson: Art. Art, no. We can’t tell them what the script is about.
Bryan: Oh, we’d love to know.
Wilky Poe: Yeah.
Allen Markeson: Well, it’s about a boy.
Bryan: Oh yeah.
Wilky Poe: Right.
Allen Markeson: And he’s moved to Panama, and he’s becoming a man.
Bryan: Oh. And?
Allen Markeson: Yeah, right. And one day he meets a woman, and they’re watching a film.
Wilky Poe: Right, yeah. What film?
Allen Markeson: It’s an old one.
Wilky Poe: Yeah? Which one?
Allen Markeson: E.T.
Bryan: E.T.? Oh. And?
Allen Markeson: Right, so they’re watching E.T., and she says she’s never been touched before.
Wilky Poe: Eh?
Allen Markeson: Right, so he says to her, “Well, I could E.T. you.” And she was like, “No, I think I better go,” and then he gets all embarrassed and then decides to make a range of sex toys in the shape of E.T.’s finger.
Bryan: That’s weird and gross.
Allen Markeson: It’s a low budget Art House project. Independent. Anyway, nice talking to you.
Wilky Poe: And with that, they scull whatever’s left in their glasses and walk out of the bar. These two have been definitely following us, and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, to say the least. Kind of sick to my stomach, if you know what I mean. It makes me wonder if we’ve got in too deep, whether we should’ve let it get this far, and that maybe it’s time to stop.
Wilky Poe: Bryan reminds me we’re here to find Rodney, and once we do that we can get back to our everyday lives. The rest of it, he says, is not our concern. I tend to agree with him.
Wilky Poe: Tomorrow morning, we’ll be going to [Elmere’s 00:11:37] house, where hopefully we can get Rodney, and put all of this behind us.
Speaker 14: Hey ya, I see you walk in through that door.
Bryan: No, we haven’t come in yet. We’re at the gate. We can’t get in.
Speaker 14: Hey ya, yolo.
Bryan: Sorry? We don’t understand.
Speaker 14: Hey ya, I got to tell you hi [inaudible 00:12:04].
Wilky Poe: Hello, we’re here to see Elmere?
Speaker 14: Hey ya.
Bryan: Is this a song?
Wilky Poe: I don’t know.
Bryan: Yeah. Hey ya. Shake it like a Polaroid.
Wilky Poe: Shake it like a Polaroid picture! Yeah, that’s the one. Shake it, shake, shake.
Bryan: Shake it, shake.
Wilky Poe: Shake it, shake it.
Speaker 14: Hey ya, I need to be cross-eyed too!
Wilky Poe: Fuck this. Let me Google it.
Bryan: Those are the lyrics.
Wilky Poe: No, it’s another one. No, it’s another hey ya song. Look, read these ones.
Wilky Poe: Hey ya, baby, you’re the only one for me?
Bryan: I wanna get closer to you … I don’t even know this.
Wilky Poe: Just read it.
Bryan: Hey ya, baby, you’re the … Why am I doing this?
Speaker 14: You win! Come in!
Bryan: We’re talking about this later.
Wilky Poe: We walk up a gravel drive to Elmere’s house. It’s a sprawling, hacienda-like villa with an orangey pink hue, with columns, a lush garden, and a huge …
PART 1 OF 3 ENDS [00:13:04]
Wilky Poe: Orangey-pink hue with columns, a lush garden, and a huge fountain in the beautiful courtyard. We get led inside where there is, as you would expect, a giant staircase. We are ushered into a library off to one side. The room houses a prolific collection of paraphernalia, all related to space exploration and the moon. Pieces from the shuttle, moon rock, an astronaut suit, framed photos, and hundreds and hundreds of books. It’s a cathedral of memorabilia and must be worth a motza. Then a door opens and in walks an astronaut.
Wilky Poe: Yeah, I know. But it happened. It’s Elmir, and he’s wearing a spacesuit and speaking through his helmet.
Bryan: Hi there. My name’s Bryan. This is Wilkie.
Elmir: [speaks foreign language]
Bryan: You’ve got a lot of moon paraphernalia here.
Bryan: And Rodney’s here?
Bryan: Can we see him?
Elmir: Yes, of course. Forgive the theatrics. It’s just a bit of fun. I can’t breathe in this thing.
Wilkie: It’s alright. So, Elmir-
Elmir: Elmir. French-Hungarian.
Wilkie: Sorry. How are you involved in all this, Elmir?
Elmir: But you see this? I spend over one and a half millions collecting all these wonderful testament to our human advancements.
Wilkie: One and half-
Elmir: But then I get many emails and letters saying the moon landings were bullshit and that the facts were too powerful to ignore. So I got in some scientifics, some analysts, and I thought, you know I’m going to shut up these stupid assholes. How could it even be so close to true? Of course, we went to the moon, it’s obvious. Are they fucking crazy?
Wilky Poe: Elmir walks over to a moon rock. He picks it up and gives it to us.
Elmir: But in the end, I was wrong. This moon rock looks like moon rock, oui? Wrong. It’s from a volcano in Papua New Guinea. This moon dust here is 100% validate by NASA. But when analyzed, it’s the same concrete that they use to build all the roads in the 1950s. Can you believe that? These signed photos, look at this. The signatures of the astronauts are real of course.
Elmir: But the photos themselves, when you look at the shadow, it doesn’t make sense. There are multiple light source. The shadow would not fall that way. And see this? See this? It’s a studio. I have many pictures to prove that. Look, right there, at the back. Does the moon have a fucking wall? I don’t think so. This suit, eh? It’s real. But it’s never been to the moon. It couldn’t handle the vacuum of space.
Wilkie: But surely the-
Elmir: And that’s not all. Look at the landing site. There’s no fucking impact crater, no dust. Look at the photos. Where are the stars? It’s all black. Are you fucking joking? And look at this, eh, look at this, crosses on the photos.
Elmir: This one is behind a rock and it isn’t even straight. [speaks foreign language] There is even the same backdrop in two totally different sides.
Wilkie: Oh my god.
Elmir: Do you think we’re stupid? Of course. Mister Bean is not this stupid. It’s unbearable.
Elmir: Alan Bean from Apollo 12 was banging a pole into the lunar surface with a hammer and you can hear the noise. Since there is no air on the moon, this is impossible. But, the most damning of everything, NASA have acknowledged, have admitted, that we are only now starting to build the technology that can take a manned spacecraft beyond the Van Allen Radiation Belt and that until now we have only been able to remain in the orbit of the Earth. So basically, in 1969, there was not the technology to get a living thing beyond the radiation belt. Wow! Think about that. Do you realize there is more technology in your fucking phone than there was on Apollo.
Wilkie: Come on
Elmir: Yet, in 69, they managed to go beyond the Van Allen Radiation Belts? Really? They would have been fried! No. Listen to me. I used to be a believer, like everyone, and I used to think the cranks were crazy. But when the facts come and slap you in the face, you have no choice but to accept that sadly this was one huge lie. I tell you, no one has ever, ever been to the moon. No way.
Wilkie: Wow. So, but when did Rodney get in touch with you? What’s his involvement?
Elmir: I’ve been on the dark web promoting the cause. Rodney reached me, we connected. He send me the tapes. Wow. You know how I made my money? Fake hair. Wigs, weaves, toupees. Made me millions. So now, I want to get to the truth. And Rodney’s tapes are a game changer for the cause of finding that truth.
Bryan: Can we see Rodney now?
Elmir: He’s not here.
Bryan: Well, where is he? You said he was here.
Elmir: Yeah, we needed to make sure that you were you.
Bryan: Well can we talk to him?
Elmir: Yeah of course. We can take a train.
Elmir: And then what? Huh?
Bryan: I just want to see that my brother’s okay and then find out what he wants to do.
Elmir: Yeah, but you see, you are in it now. We need you. We need you to help us to get this out in a way that people will believe.
Wilkie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-
Bryan: We can’t get involved in this.
Wilkie: No, Bryan’s right. As interesting as all this is, I also like living. This kind of stuff-no people, they disappear.
Elmir: Come on. What, you are worried that you are going to be punched by Buzz Aldrin?
Wilkie: No, but I mean come on. Look, it might’ve happened. We might’ve landed on the moon, all you have is circumstantial, it’s not hard evidence. You’re just connecting the dots to fit in with your own preconceived ideas of a conspiracy.
Elmir: I’m very disappointed. But you are here for Rodney.
Elmir: I know. Very well.
Wilky Poe: We walk out the back of the house and get led to a huge shed. It’s so big it’s practically a warehouse. We walk in and suddenly stop. Bryan and I can’t believe our eyes.
Bryan: What is this?
Wilkie: Oh my god.
Wilky Poe: Before us, is an actual set of the moon landing site, down to every last detail. We’re walking on soft, gray powder. There’s a huge black panoramic backcloth. The American flag is placed as we’ve seen it in all those famous photos. The landing module is real enough and looks exactly like the photos. There are rocks and boulders. But most eerie of all, is the silence. It’s an astounding scene.
Elmir: There is only one way to prove that they faked it, and that is to fake it. To show how they did it and where the mistakes are. So that’s what I’ve been working on.
Wilky Poe: At that moment, a person in a space suit is lowered down from the ceiling on some cables.
Bryan: Is that Rodney? Rodney? Hey Rodney?
Wilky Poe: Bryan goes over to the astronaut and hugs him. But it’s not Rodney.
Elmir: No that’s Diaz. But he likes a cuddle. Rodney should be in the backroom.
Wilky Poe: We walk into the backroom but there’s no one there.
Elmir: That’s strange, he’s usually on that computer there.
Bryan: So where is he?
Elmir: I don’t know. He was here.
Wilky Poe: It’s then that I notice two Panama hats sitting on the desk and I get a flash of a vision. I fall to the floor, and black out. I come to a few moments later.
Wilkie: What happened?
Bryan: You blacked out.
Wilkie: Oh man, the hats.
Bryan: Alan and Art.
Wilkie: I got a clear vision.
Elmir: You saw something?
Wilkie: Yeah, yeah. Near a beach, a small airstrip of some kind, an old hangar. Rodney’s in a car.
Elmir: I know where that is.
Wilky Poe: We jump in the car and speed to this tiny airfield in the middle of nowhere. There’s one car on the tarmac. All four doors are open. No one inside. Suddenly, the hangar doors start to open and inside are Rodney and the two FBI agents. They see us.
Speaker 15: So look what the hat brought in.
Speaker 16: Cat. What the cat brought in.
Wilkie: Look, Art, Alan, this is not the way to get what you want.
Rodney: I’m really glad you guys are here. This is starting to send me crazy.
Bryan: It’s good to see you, brother.
Rodney: Good to see you too, bro.
Speaker 16: Aw, this is sweet. This reminds of that scene in Pretty Woman when they’re all down in the tunnel and they find that monster and at first they’re scared, but then they’re relieved because the monster’s their friend, you know the one?
Bryan: I think that’s The Goonies.
Speaker 16: This is a difficult predicament.
Elmir: Not really.
Wilky Poe: Elmir pulls out a .44 Magnum and points it towards Art and Alan. I kid you not.
Bryan: Aw shit.
Wilkie: Aw shit.
Elmir: [speaks foreign language] Listen to me! We are taking Rodney with us.
Speaker 16: Just slow down there will you? We’re letting him go.
Wilky Poe: Rodney moves over to us and we back up slowly.
Speaker 15: Somewhere over the [crosstalk 00:21:50]
Wilkie: I think we should get out of here.
Wilky Poe: We managed to get back to the car and leave the two FBI agents behind and we head back to Elmir’s place. I want to let Rodney talk now.
Rodney: Okay how did all this happen, right? Okay, um, so I guess I was just minding my own business in the salon in Grover’s, you know, doing my thing? Life was normal, if you like. And the one weekend I decide to paint the house. Who knows why. It was a last minute, impulse decision. The walls had been annoying me for some time so I take down those three paintings, you know Bryan, the ones in the hall that mom gave me?
Wilkie: Wait hang on, the paintings that Orson Welles gave your grandfather?
Rodney: Right, so, I took them down and placed them on the other side of the hallway. But then I noticed that they all had this backing and some scribbles.
Rodney: You know, I thought it was the artist’s scribbles or whatever, but then it looks familiar. So I take a close look and it’s dad’s handwriting.
Bryan: Dad’s handwriting?
Rodney: Right. Never noticed it before. So I looked and there are dates and times that dad had written and then a symbol, a pyramid with an eye in it.
Elmir: Ah, oui, the Illuminati.
Rodney: Right, so I touched it I guess and it felt like there was something under the paper so I peeled it back and there was something behind it. So I pull it apart and there’s a cassette tape, you know, like an old school cassette wedged between the backing board of the painting and the paper. So what the fuck, right? I do the same for the other paintings and there’s a cassette in each of them.
Rodney: So 3 tapes in total, right?
Rodney: So my head is now spinning out, right? What are they? What’s on them? And you know it’s 2018, so I don’t have a cassette player in the house, just the computer.
Wilkie: Oh of course.
Bryan: Why didn’t you call me?
Rodney: Well I didn’t know what it was yet.
Wilkie: So what happened?
Rodney: Well you know Travis, right?
Wilkie: Sure, yeah.
Rodney: So I figured he probably had a tape player in the studio so we arranged to meet at the studio and we played the tapes and as soon as we played them I knew who it was. Smart dog, he had no idea, but yeah I knew Orson Welles’ voice, so I listened to all these recordings and…it’s pretty heavy stuff. Travis thinks it’s hilarious, so much so that he takes a sample when he was bored listening with me and rapped around it.
Bryan: So that’s on one of his songs, right?
Rodney: Sure yeah. I figure who’s gonna figure this is real anyways, right? So Travis converts the files and he sends them to me on Dropbox and I save those to my laptop, right? So now I have all the files and I rethink it and I realize I need some back up before I contact anyone. So I get on tour and I get in touch with a couple buddies who I know from my BitCoin days and we all pick up on the same thing; that in tape 3, Orson mentions these files. Papers of evidence, right, with a clue to where they might be, and this is the weird bit.
Bryan: There are no papers.
Elmir: No, no, no.
Rodney: No there are. In the tapes, Orson says something like evidence can sometimes be kept in plain sight and sometimes it’s only 3 feet to the left. But left of what? So we listened to the tapes again and just before the tape ends he says, all monuments should hold truth, even if they themselves may not be true. We couldn’t crack it. And these are, you know, hacker type guys. Then one night, drunk on whiskey I’m thinking about all these coincidences, you know grandpa being a test pilot, the alien paintings, Orson, I live in Grover’s Mill, I mean, fuck, right? And then it all just fits.
Wilkie: The Martian landing.
Rodney: Exactly. The monument in the park. So maybe the truth is 3 feet to the left of that.
Bryan: Come on, maybe but really, was it?
Rodney: Well, I had to find out, right? So I head there at like I don’t know, 3 am and I start digging around these little trees which are roughly 3 feet around from the monument and I hit a metal box. I pull it up, open it, and inside are some plastic bags with files of documents.
Wilkie: What kind of documents?
Rodney: I’ll get to that in a minute. But just as that happened, a car pulls up and two guys get out with flashlights. I grab the bags and run. I mean, I was scared, man. I get in my car, I high-tail it out of there. I drive for like 15 minutes as fast as I could, it was so dark, my heart was thumping so fast. I pulled over into the orchards and I ran into the woods. I’ve never been so fucking scared.
Wilkie: Oh man.
Bryan: Did you have the bags?
Rodney: No man, I left them in the car.
Rodney: I know, but so, look, I stay in the woods, fucking freaking out. I’m thinking if they find me I am screwed so I don’t know why but I threw my bag-
PART 2 OF 3 ENDS [00:26:04]
Rodney: … they find me, I am screwed. So I don’t know why, but I threw my backpack up into a tree and I laid down to catch my breath.
Wilky Poe: So what happened next?
Rodney: Right, so I stay in the woods until I think about 6:30, and then I head home.
Brian: Well, who were those guys? Did you see ’em?
Rodney: Those guys were official, man. You know, like government shit, I didn’t wanna get involved in any government fucking interrogation, you know?
Speaker 17: Yeah, I know, they give you a good cavity search, you know, get right up there in your asshole.
Rodney: Yeah, exactly. So I pack up and I head on over to the pub to speak to George. He used to hide people back in the days when actors were persecuted for performing adaptations of A Midsummer Night’s Dream.
Brian: What the fuck?
Wilky Poe: I beg your pardon?
Rodney: I don’t know, that’s what he told me. So Melody arranges for me to meet a Russian guy who uses vodka bottles to smuggle all kinds of shit. So I pack the papers in the vodka bottles and I ask the Russian to hold them, as I don’t wanna get caught with anything, man.
Rodney: But now I’ve got a few messages from my hacker buddies who’ve pieced this all together, and the staged moon landings, all of that. And they say that there’s this sympathetic French guy in Panama …
Speaker 17: C’est moi.
Rodney: … who’s behind the movement to promote the truth, and I can stay with him. So the Russian sets it all up and I get here a couple days after.
Brian: And what about the blood?
Wilky Poe: Yeah.
Brian: We found blood in your house, dude.
Rodney: Oh that, yeah, I left that there as a ruse I guess. I cut my finger and I just let it drip onto the floor. I figured if people came that they would think it’s a robbery or a kidnapping or something. It doesn’t make much sense really, I was an asshole. But I was panicking and I thought if I could distract people away from the real reason, it would give me time to make a plan.
Wilky Poe: Did you ever think that I would get involved?
Rodney: Fuck no. I thought everything would be a lot simpler than this. Look, I’m glad Miranda contacted you, Wilkie, really. If none of this had happened, I’m sure I’d be locked up by now, either in government detention or a home for wackos, you know?
Wilky Poe: So I should tell you that while Rodney was speaking, Elmia has been taking notes and shaking his head, like everything he thought about the world was coming true. It’s an expression of deep disappointment coupled with huge relief, something I admit I’m starting to feel myself.
Brian: Is that it?
Wilky Poe: Dude, that’s most of the story, the quick version anyways.
Brian: And what do we do now? What’s the plan?
Speaker 17: The plan now that we have the documents has to be to get this out there to the world.
Brian: But no one’s gonna believe us, they’ll think we’re just deluded conspiracists.
Rodney: But we have evidence, man.
Wilky Poe: Evidence isn’t proof. What does the evidence say?
Rodney: A lot. And it’s authenticated from proper sources and people, people you would never think.
Speaker 17: We need to get this out there and show everyone.
Brian: Yeah, but how? Think about it, they can say the papers are fake, the recordings are fake, that we’re crazy, you know, how do you get around that?
Rodney: Snowden and Assange can help.
Wilky Poe: Ed Snowden?
Brian: Ed Snowden? Are you kidding me?
Rodney: They bring credibility, Brian, they can authenticate the papers.
Wilky Poe: Alright, but then what?
Speaker 18: We are now arriving at Mercury. Your data clocks are set. Remember, the Mercury sun shines brighter than any other. Wishing all life forms a pleasant orbit.
Wilky Poe: So I watched that thing you sent me on the human ego?
Speaker 19: Oh yeah?
Wilky Poe: Yeah, it was fascinating, to think they only saw the word in two dimensions when like we can see them in hundreds.
Speaker 19: I know. I mean, if they knew it was exponential and limitless, you’d wonder if they still would’ve done what they did.
Wilky Poe: Yeah, it’s so bizarre.
Speaker 19: Yeah.
Wilky Poe: I mean, they couldn’t even [inaudible 00:29:26] properly.
Speaker 19: I know, right?
Wilky Poe: And they couldn’t get batteries to last on their phones.
Speaker 19: Yeah, okay, what else?
Wilky Poe: And they poisoned all their water to get gas out of the ground instead of using the sun, duh.
Speaker 19: Morons. Tell me another, go on.
Wilky Poe: Well, they never figured out that mirrors transmitted all the way up here.
Speaker 19: Hilarious. Talk to me.
Wilky Poe: All these humans, they were fuckers.
Speaker 19: Well, they are fuckers, aren’t they?
Wilky Poe: Yeah. They had this saying, how can we put a man on the moon but we can’t do x, y, z, yeah? But the thing is they never put a man on the moon in the first place, did they?
Speaker 19: No.
Wilky Poe: And then one of them, he had the audacity to tell them all that they could build a town on Mars.
Speaker 19: Hilarious.
Wilky Poe: Yeah, they had no idea about true wave gravity, they all thought this one guy could get them into space. Our elders were laughing when they found out, do you remember?
Speaker 19: I think their ego’s what contributed to their ideas that they could conquer the galaxy. I mean, if you think about it, what drives them to think that they’ve got the right to come up here?
Wilky Poe: Yeah.
Speaker 19: Where’s the logic in it? You know that they had these humans they called scientists.
Wilky Poe: Oh yeah, scientists, yeah, they were a funny lot, weren’t they?
Speaker 19: Well, these scientists made up a bunch of stuff only they could understand. Clever, right? And built a whole story out of it. And because there’s no way of proving it was wrong, everyone believed them.
Wilky Poe: What, kinda like mermaids?
Speaker 19: Yeah, like they became famous for it.
Wilky Poe: Well, surely someone pulled them up on it.
Speaker 19: Nope.
Wilky Poe: Really?
Speaker 19: Yeah. They said science doesn’t lie. The thing is, it does.
Wilky Poe: It does. Well, the fact that they invented measurements to be the deciding factor just blows my mind, I tell you.
Speaker 19: I know.
Wilky Poe: I mean, they were measurements and models unto themselves, these people, no basis in the philosophy of the universe.
Speaker 19: No.
Wilky Poe: And nothing can be measured.
Speaker 19: Exactly.
Wilky Poe: As soon as it’s measured, it ceases to be real.
Speaker 19: And not even their AI could figure that one out.
Wilky Poe: And what about cryonics? All those frozen humans.
Speaker 19: Oh, dude.
Wilky Poe: What was that all about?
Speaker 19: Okay, I’ll tell you, to bring them back to life so we could laugh at them up here.
Wilky Poe: Oh, god.
Speaker 19: That’s why. I mean, imagine, right, if you were a human and frozen, and you thought that whatever you died from, that we could fix it.
Wilky Poe: I mean, come on.
Speaker 19: Who do you think we are? We’ve got enough STDs up here ourselves.
Wilky Poe: Exactly.
Speaker 19: And get this, some people even thought they could bring humans back into consciousness.
Wilky Poe: Fuck me.
Speaker 19: Right. Why did their rulers constantly deny our existence? Question.
Wilky Poe: Yeah, I don’t know.
Speaker 19: Why did they hide us, kill us, run experiments on us?
Wilky Poe: Don’t know.
Speaker 19: Why did they think they were superior beings when they knew we could see the other side of time, read their thoughts, patch into any gravitational wave to see what they’re doing?
Wilky Poe: Yeah?
Speaker 19: Absurd.
Wilky Poe: Absurd.
Speaker 19: No idea.
Wilky Poe: And don’t get me started on Area 51.
Speaker 19: Oh, don’t.
Wilky Poe: Those idiots. You know the thing about human rulers is when you put them under an energy scanner, they all have this dark matter? It’s really bad matter.
Speaker 19: It is, isn’t it?
Wilky Poe: And you can see the evolution inside them. I bet they hate space food as well.
Speaker 19: It’s lucky we don’t have rulers like that.
Wilky Poe: If we did, we wouldn’t be here. Their rulers ended Earth for all of them.
Speaker 19: They didn’t see it coming.
Wilky Poe: Although, hey, dude, that one human, he was onto it, wasn’t he?
Speaker 19: Who?
Wilky Poe: Steven.
Speaker 19: Hawking?
Wilky Poe: Hawking. Get this, right, he only told the humans 0.2 percent of the whole story.
Speaker 19: Really? How do you know that?
Wilky Poe: We’re friends, aren’t we?
Speaker 19: Friends? You two?
Stephen Hawking: Yes. We are homies.
Speaker 19: Are you patching in? Genius.
Stephen Hawking: As always, thanks for the compliment. I am a genius, aren’t I?
Speaker 19: You got any plans to come to Mercury or Mars soon?
Stephen Hawking: Are you kidding? I’d rock it with you guys any time, [inaudible 00:32:26] … vortex shit.
Speaker 19: Stephen and us in a vortex, can you believe it?
Stephen Hawking: I can.
Speaker 19: Hey Steven?
Wilky Poe: Yeah, we were just wondering why you never told the other humans about everything, like the whole story? Because you know they’d listen to you.
Stephen Hawking: Oh, that again? I had to drip feed them information. And when I saw the reaction something tiny like a black hole got, well, I knew they wouldn’t be able to handle the truth. In many ways it was too complex for them.
Speaker 19: But Stephen, you knew everything back then. Maybe they would’ve had a chance if you explained it all to them.
Stephen Hawking: Oh, you guys crack me up. No, the only thing you aliens don’t understand about humans is they are for the most part illogical and irrational. Genetic laws of design, they are built to destroy themselves, then renew, then destroy.
Stephen Hawking: But something went wrong in the wiring and the program couldn’t renew. I think it was because we have something called narcissism, genetically speaking narcissism changed the DNA. When I saw that, I knew it was pointless.
Wilky Poe: So what, you jumped ship?
Stephen Hawking: I jumped onto a ship. In fact, your [inaudible 00:33:47] …
Speaker 19: Aha, that’s right, Harry picked you up.
Stephen Hawking: Got to go, fellas. Can we talk again soon?
Speaker 19: Hells yeah.
Wilky Poe: Anything for the Hawking. [inaudible 00:34:01] human, human, human, right? So it’s a shame about the rest of them. At least we’ve got their pets though, right?
Speaker 19: Their pets? What do you mean?
Wilky Poe: Human pets. They’re wicked. The cockapoodle.
Speaker 19: What? What do you do with it?
Wilky Poe: Well, you kind of, you know, you look at it and then you just try and play mind games with it.
Speaker 19: You what?
Wilky Poe: Yeah. I’ll look those little fuckers right in the eyes and then I’ll ask them what they think of humans.
Speaker 19: That’s hilarious.
Wilky Poe: Yeah.
Speaker 19: What do they say?
Wilky Poe: Oh, that’s just it, they just nod like they know that we know.
Speaker 19: Oh, you are too much.
Wilky Poe: Next time on Grover’s Mill.
Speaker 20: They could argue that even if the moon landings were faked, that to broadcast that or reveal it would be exposing a state secret. So technically, they can put you in jail for exposing something that isn’t real but they said was real.
Brian: So you’re saying that call was fake?
Speaker 21: Listen buddy, I was there. Neal and I were eating a Carl’s Jr. burger in a shed in Lincoln County, Nevada.
Speaker 22: Well, context is everything. You know if they tried to sell the same story today in the same way with the same amount of analysis at hand, I doubt you would get [inaudible 00:35:23] … Contextually everything was more controlled and new then.
Speaker 23: I guess that also means the presidential pardons we were gonna hand over to Mister Assange and Mister Snowden here, well, they go away too.
Wilky Poe: Grover’s Mill is written and produced by Matt Cohen Gold, Garrett Dupes, and me, Wilkie Poe. Music and sound design is by Matt Slaydon. With special thanks to Rupert Degas and Amy Horn.
Wilky Poe: We’d also like to thank Megan Tate, Mark Gluehack, Barry Stewart, Marcus Bier, Steven Bootsatilt, Zanzen Pierre, and Anya Dolganava.
Wilky Poe: This has been a Grover’s Mill production, copyright 2018.
Wilky Poe: Grover’s Mill is a fictional podcast that is shared with you as a satire and parody. It depicts entirely fictitious situations that are products of the writers’ imaginations. The podcast references familiar places and events, and whilst we have also used some real life personalities, the characteristics, qualities, and actions that we’ve applied to those people are not intended to be real.
Wilky Poe: We also do not suggest any association with or sponsorship by any person or entity. All other names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, living or deceased, places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.
Wilky Poe: For further information on Grover’s Mill and its use in satire, parody, and fiction, please read the disclaimer on our website, groversmillpodcast.com.
PART 3 OF 3 ENDS [00:37:16]