Grovers Mill is a community that was initially made famous in Orson Welles’ 1938 radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds, where it was depicted as the epicenter of a Martian invasion, on October 30 of that year. There have been numerous references in fiction, including The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension, the Wild Cards book series, and a town called Miller’s Grove in The X-Files episode “War of the Coprophages”. In issue 11 of DC Comics’ The Shadow Strikes (1989), The Shadow teams up with a radio announcer named Grover Mills, a character based on the young Orson Welles, who has been impersonating The Shadow on the radio. Welles played the Shadow on radio prior to the War of the Worlds broadcast. An episode of the War of the Worlds TV series takes place in Grover’s Mill on the 50th anniversary of the Welles radio drama, and expands on the town’s ties to the infamous broadcast. (Wikipedia 2018). Grover’s Mill Podcast is a podcast put together by a team of passionate people from all around the world. It has been two years in the making and is meant to be a form of entertainment. It has taken the spirit of the great works before it. It is a fictional podcast, that is shared with you as a satire and parody. The Podcast references familiar people, places, locations, pop-culture, historical points of interest and social settings to give context to the story for the purpose of conveying its satirical nature. The events, conversations and occurrences depicted in the Podcast were conceived by the Producers of the Podcast, and as far as the Producers are aware, they did not actually occur. Additionally, we have used some real-life personalities. However, the characteristics, qualities and actions that we have applied to those people are not meant to be real, and were conceived for the sole purpose of conveying and giving life to the Grover’s Mill story. To the extent permissible, in no event shall the Producers be liable for any damage, loss, harm, cost, disruption or confusion that arises as a result of listening to or engaging with the Grover’s Mill Podcast.
*Note to reader. This is a fictional satirical podcast designed with parody for comedic purposes only-see our disclaimer on the website for more information.
Speaker: Hi just a quick warning that the following episodes contains adult content and themes that some people may find offensive. Listener discretion is advised.
Wilkie: Previously on Grovers Mill.
Speaker 1: What I see gentlemen, is that we got these two new customers around the same time your boy went missing: two shady type dudes from out of town, you know. After some [inaudible 00:00:20]. Step haircuts, man.
Speaker 2: I’ve never seen him like this Cook boy mate. Something’s going on, we’ve gotta dig. Here. Good boy.
Wilkie: Really? Isn’t this just some kind of weird reaction?
Speaker 2: It is a reaction. This is it, Wilkie. Let’s dig.
Cpt Deermore: Look, this is a small town, Mr [Pearl inaudible 00:00:39]. We’ve had enough crap back in those days with the bullshit War of the Worlds and alien conspiracy shit. And now you, and now this. I’m telling you, Rodney is just a runaway, an adult runaway.
Speaker 3: It’s a backpack! It’s a fucking backpack!
Speaker 2: Is it Rodney’s?
Speaker 3: I don’t know. I think … yes. Oh my God, it is. It’s his stuff.
Speaker 4: [inaudible 00:01:06] flight controller’s gonna go for landing. Retro!
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 4: Patrol.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 4: Telecom.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 4: Gypsy.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 4: Surgeon.
Speaker 5: Go.
Speaker 4: [inaudible 00:01:14] We’re go for landing.
Speaker 5: Okay, engine stop.
Speaker 4: [inaudible 00:01:19] down, Eagle.
Speaker 5: Houston, [inaudible 00:01:25] here, the Eagle has landed.
Wilkie: So in the last episode we made a big breakthrough. We found Rodney’s laptop. Unfortunately the battery was dead, but I got a positive vision which means Rodney is alive and out there somewhere, and the biggest clue we have is the laptop. So the natural thing we did was charge up the battery, then go through it.
Wilkie: At first there was nothing unusual. Emails we’d seen, lots of photos, but no clues. Nothing abnormal. There was some recent downloads of some books, and no funny stuff their either. But when we opened Dropbox, we found a file labeled “OWOWOW”. In the folder we found three MP3 files which were five to ten minutes long. Now we’ve all listened to them and to be honest, I don’t really know how you guys are going to react because I’m worried you’ll think this isn’t real. So, to put your skepticism at ease before I play these to you, I’ve asked my good friend Ed to listen to the files and authenticate them. Ed is an audio forensic expert and has worked on some of the highest profile cases in the world. He analyzes and compares audio and can tell us if they’re who we think they are. Or if they’re fake.
Wilkie: So you’ve had the files for a couple of days now, Ed, and you’ve compared them to the original source. What can you tell us about what you found?
Ed: Well, first, do you want me to talk you through our process?
Wilkie: Yeah sure.
Ed: Okay right, so the first thing we do is improve the quality.
Ed: So we remove the unwanted noise, irrelevant sounds, and we enhance the actual recording to get the best results.
Ed: Then what we need to do is authenticate the recording, so audio recordings have specific characteristics, right? That can be analyzed and compared to determine if the file has been altered.
Ed: And because digital information about the file and certain audio characteristics are determined by the recording device itself, exemplar recordings can then be made to identify anomalies.
Ed: We then lay your evidence alongside the originals that we know are authentic, and then we look for either consistencies or inconsistencies in things like pitch, tone, delivery, accent, intonation, et cetera.
Wilkie: Okay, so what did you find with our samples?
Ed: Well, this is, to me, one of the most exciting things I’ve heard.
Ed: The recordings you gave me matched the exact recordings of this person in other examples across all metrics.
Ed: Therefor I can say with 99% confidence that the recordings you gave me do come from the person we think they do.
Wilkie: Wow. So this is big news.
Ed: Oh yeah, it’s big news alright. Very big news. I suppose the next question is whether what this person is saying is true or not, but regardless of that, it’s his voice.
Wilkie: I’m in two minds about whether to give it away now or let you guys listen and come to your own conclusions. So, here’s what I’m gonna do. I’m just gonna play some of it to you, then we’ll come back and discuss it. So, here we go.
Orson Welles: I’ve had a plan, a longterm plan to prove to people that the moon landings were fake. I did [inaudible 00:05:20] as a precursor to this news. Now a lot of people are going to think this is wool stuff. The stuff that skeptics love. I mean how? How could we pull the wool over the world’s eyes and fake such a big event? How? I say, we all fell into a marvelous trap.
Orson Welles: You know, I’ve heard people say, say to me privately, “How could so many people be involved in a conspiracy like that? There would have to be thousands of people.” And you know what I say to them? You know what I found out? That it’s not thousands. It’s not hundreds. It’s not even fifty. It’s only nine. Not counting the astronauts. Only nine people who were involved. Nine people can keep a secret if the manipulation means they all need to keep it a secret.
Orson Welles: The rest of us were fooled. NASA staff honestly believed what they were seeing was happening. Politicians and the world were sold a wonderful story. The lie was so beautiful even the people that built the lie had to doubt believing that it happened. You know, psychologists have known this for years, when you keep repeating a lie over and over, you end up believing it’s real. The narrative then dictates it has to be real. Because to take it away is worse than revealing the truth.
Orson Welles: I am sure that there are people who will come out of the woodwork now and call me a communist again, and I say, “Well maybe I am 86% communist.” But the rest is anti-moonist.
Wilkie: Now for those who don’t know who this is, it’s Orson Welles. And quite shockingly, he’s talking about how the moon landings were some kind of elaborate hoax. The questions I’m asking myself are, is this a joke? Why is he making the recording? Is it a promotion for a film? And what’s the context. Orson goes on.
Orson Welles: I’ve been investigated repeatedly. We all know it’s the American’s favorite sport. So let me say this. I think we are entering another McCarthy period. A lot of you may not see it, but we are. It won’t emerge overnight but as a slow return over many years. The world works in cycles that we can see those cycles. The moon landings are merely another example of control.
Orson Welles: You know, when you play out an idea on the screen, it sets up a certain aura. An idea that allows those in power to control us. So look at it. Look at this idea that we landed on the moon. When you look at it properly, which is hard to do, when you look at it factually it just makes no sense. There are errors, big and small, that we accept even now as you show someone evidence that is almost unarguable. Well, because we have accepted it as real.
Orson Welles: And we have let the lie become the truth. We, we can’t see it. Facts just have no place in the argument. So that is why I am saying this. That is why I am making these tapes. I have new facts, as it were. From one of the nine people involved in this conspiracy.
Wilkie: Right, so I’m stopping there. There’s a lot to take in. We still don’t know where Rodney is, but now at least we may have some clarity on why he’s gone missing. So my quick theory, which I’m sure you’re leaning towards as well, is that Rodney wanted to share these recordings, to get them out there, but someone or some faction got wind and came after Rodney.
Wilkie: Crazy stuff, but not impossible. If what Orson Welles is saying is true, and I’m sure all the flat-earthers and moon conspiracy theorists out there are cheering, then this is one of the biggest lies in the history of the world. And I can see why people want to keep it a secret. I’ve never looked into the moon landing thing myself so I do a bit of research, and I must say between the recordings and what I found in my research, there are some strong parallels and some interesting evidence out there.
Wilkie: But, this is not about that, this is about finding Rodney. So, I decide to go to the police station to play this evidence to Nancy Deermore, maybe then she might give this case some more attention. I asked to borrow Brian’s car, and we agree to meet up after my meeting.
Wilkie: So I’m about to walk into the police station and have a meeting with Captain Nancy Deermore and Sergeant Delory. I’m not going to tell them I’m recording as I’m sure they won’t give me permission, so this one will have to be undercover so to speak.
Wilkie: So, I’ve just played you two recordings.
Sgt Delory: Uh huh.
Wilkie: And I think this has something to do with Rodney’s disappearance, okay?
Cpt Deermore: Look, we get things like this all the time. People wanting to believe something’s real, not wanting to accept the truth. We don’t know what this is. This could be made up. It could be an art project, you know?
Wilkie: It’s not.
Cpt Deermore: As if the moon landings were fake. That means JFK was fake, 9-11 was fake, Donald Trump is fake, everything, fake, fake, fake.
Wilkie: But we’ve had it verified. It is Orson Welles.
Cpt Deermore: It may be, Wilkie, it may be, but it doesn’t say anything about Rodney. I’m telling you, there is nothing here that says Rodney is in any danger. Kid probably, you know, went to Mexico or something. And the rest, well, who knows? You say it’s real but, you never really know, do you?
Wilkie: Well I think there’s more to it.
Cpt Deermore: Well, that is what I’m talking about. You wanna believe what you wanna believe, despite the facts. I get that, it’s like wanting something so much you’re willing to do anything. Like sexual fantasies.
Sgt Delory: That’s true.
Wilkie: What? I don’t understand.
Cpt Deermore: Wilkie, let me lay it out for you. Just say your wife, well, she has a fantasy about sleeping with her high school teacher, right?
Wilkie: Oh, come on.
Cpt Deermore: Like, she wants him, like now. Today. Because she wanted him back then.
Wilkie: Yeah, but, I just don’t –
Cpt Deermore: Like she really gets off on it, you know? When you make love she even says his name and stuff.
Cpt Deermore: Shush, Roy. And she wants you to be him. Lets call him Mr. Gorsky.
Sgt Delory: Oh, “put me in detention Mr. Gorsky, show me how you touch me Mr. Gorsky.”
Cpt Deermore: Exactly. But that’s not enough. So then you go, “Okay, cool, how can I achieve this fantasy for real? How close can I get to it without destroying the marriage?”
Sgt Delory: Experiment time.
Cpt Deermore: Shush, Roy. So, first, she might just do a drive by at the school where he works at you know? Then come back and tell you what he looks like now. She tells you she sat in the car staring at him and touching herself.
Wilkie: I’m not sure what this has to do with –
Cpt Deermore: Shush, I’m getting to it Wilkie. So you talk about it, you whisper it in bed, she loves it, but you both want more, right? You wanna see her do it. You wanna try and convince her to do it, because you’re getting off on it.
Sgt Delory: Yeah so now you get her to bump into him and tell him she’s been doing a massage course and is looking for volunteers.
Cpt Deermore: That’s right. Massage course. So now it’s just a massage, right? So she goes over there and does the massage.
Sgt Delory: And it’s a turn on, right? It gives you six weeks worth of sexy time at home.
Cpt Deermore: And you get off on it, but even that’s not enough.
Sgt Delory: No where near enough.
Cpt Deermore: Right, shush now.
Sgt Delory: What?
Cpt Deermore: So you wanna go even further. You want her to sleep with him. And you wanna film it.
Sgt Delory: Yeah, on your iPhone.
Cpt Deermore: So she does, and it’s wild. Teacher student stuff.
Sgt Delory: Nail in the coffin.
Cpt Deermore: Roy.
Sgt Delory: Sorry.
Cpt Deermore: Thank you. The nail in the coffin is you feel bad now, you feel guilty, you feel jealous. It’s taken the soul out of your love.
Sgt Delory: Torn out.
Cpt Deermore: It’s created a gap in both your hearts, it’s the distance between love and getting off. It was one step too far.
PART 1 OF 3 ENDS [00:13:04]
Speaker 6: Distance between love and getting off. It was one step too far. So what you believed and what you wanted to believe become two separate things. Now, you can only know this by going there.
Roy: Exactly, but going there is the issue.
Speaker 6: Goddammit Roy!
Speaker 6: So you see the idea is different from the reality. The narrative never plays out in a straight line. Don’t go there Wilkie, it’s not worth it. We know.
Roy: Oh, we know.
Wilkie: Wow. Well I don’t really understand the metaphor or is it a simile, but I guess what you’re saying is to drop all of this?
Speaker 6: Yes please. We have more important police work to do, Wilkie, okay? This is a nice small town, and there is no mystery. Okay?
Wilkie: I pick up Brian and tell him the news. We decide to meet Miranda and Benji at George and Melody’s pub.
George: Well isn’t this a fine meeting of the minds. You know I remember I was doing an off, off, off Broadway production of 12 Angry Men and it was the group atmosphere that bound us all together and made the performances feel so real. Yes, here are your drinks. If there’s anything else I can help you with, speak up and I shall present myself forthwith.
Wilkie: So here’s where we’re up to. We found Rodney’s laptop, and we have these recordings by Orson Wells. We still don’t know where Rodney is, but I think it’s fair to say that we all think these recordings have something to do with it. I feel he’s alive. My vision told me that. But now he feels very far away. Any thoughts?
Miranda: Well, you know, these moon landers I always thought it was odd. That flag thing did it for me. And how come there were no stars? So if Rodney had some information about that sort of thing, I’m sure there’d be after him. Right Benji?
Benji: Aye, it would be a dangerous game for Rodney. Seems to me like the man got wrapped up in some high level secret documentation that’s jeopardized his welfare. We need to look where else he would talk about this or hide this information.
Speaker 7: Like the dark web.
Brian: Hey, we never heard back from Captain Thunderbolt.
Speaker 8: Brian was right. We hadn’t heard back.
Wilkie: True. We should get back in touch with him after this. Any other ideas? Melody walks over to the table and whispers in my ear.
Melody: Rodney liked to drink vodka, honey.
Wilkie: I beg your pardon?
Melody: He liked vodka, a special kind. Very seductive. He would buy it from only one man here.
Wilkie: Is this a clue, Melody?
Melody: I don’t know. But he paid a lot for his vodka.
Wilkie: Do you know his name?
Melody: I’ll have to dig it out. I’ll text it to you. What’s your number?
Wilkie: I give Melody my number and get back to the group. We all agree to try and track down Rodney on the web somehow and get back in touch with Captain Thunderbolt. Brian and I go back to the hotel and call him from our room.
Thunderbolt: Hello, hello?
Brian: Hey, Captain? We hadn’t heard from you, so just wanted an update.
Thunderbolt: Well you see, the thing is, there’s nothing there. Nothing you don’t know. The cell tower stuff, I couldn’t get more info. [inaudible 00:16:07] the laptop. Technology’s not man’s best friend. Fido, come over here boy, come on!
Wilkie: Ah, that’s disappointing. Although we did find the laptop.
Thunderbolt: You found the laptop! Well call me Jupiter and fly me to Mars!
Wilkie: Yup, and some files in a Dropbox folder. Some recordings.
Thunderbolt: Right. Do you have it there with you on your person?
Thunderbolt: Does he have Tor?
Brian: Hold on.
Wilkie: We opened up the laptop and find the Tor browser.
Brian: Yeah. Yeah, he does.
Thunderbolt: Right. You need to get me that laptop.
Wilkie: Right. We can send it express to you?
Thunderbolt: Okay, do that. I’ll do some analysis and get back to you.
Thunderbolt: I’ll call you when I can. Unless of course I win the lottery, in which case I’ll be patching in from a cow in my friend’s yin and yang. Carpe diem, boys.
Wilkie: As soon as we hang up, we get a call from Chopper, telling us Mack B. wants to meet, and to bring 200 stacks, as in dollars in exchange for some critical information. I chat it over with Brian, and we decide to risk it. We grab the money and head over. I’ll dial you guys in midway through the conversation. Again, we have to hide the audio equipment so it may sound a bit rough in parts. I’ll start where Mac B. is talking to us about the information he’s found. Well, kind of.
Mac B.: So I had some information you might be interested in.
Wilkie: Oh yeah?
Mac B.: But first I have to know if I can trust you.
Brian: What? But we’ve seen you before. We were here. We didn’t do anything, did we?
Mac B.: I ain’t sure, man. I’m not trusting no one since I saw my three fortune tellers again, dig? They told me to be careful. Since the last time we spoke I’ve taken on new territory, know what I’m saying? I had to cap a few kings for it, so why am I precarious condition, so to speak. Driving my old lady home crazy.
Wilkie: Do you really think that we’d risk messing around with someone like you?
Mac B.: Thanks for the compliment. But trust needs to be earned. We all gonna play the trust game. Now Wilkie, I’m gonna stand up and fall backwards, and you need to catch me.
Mac B.: I need to trust you. My eyes will be closed.
Wilkie: Are you serious?
Mac B.: Damn right I am, my friend! Come on, let’s go.
Wilkie: Mac B. gets up and crosses his arms over his chest. But then he turns the other way.
Mac B.: Spin move, motherfucker!
Wilkie: I try to recover and move around, but he spins again.
Mac B.: Spin again! Come on, trust me. Trust.
Wilkie: I chase him around, then he falls. Luckily I catch him.
Mac B.: Very good. Now, Brian, your time.
Brian: I don’t think I can.
Mac B.: No, I don’t think you can, man. You’re too scrawny.
Brian: What? I, no, I’m not.
Wilkie: So, what is this info?
Mac B.: Chopper!
Chopper: Yes, my lord! I dost comest, lord.
Mac B.: I have Chopper talking in medieval speak for a month because he fucked up on the deal. Chopper!
Chopper: Here, my king.
Mac B.: What have you done today, Chopper?
Chopper: Aye, my lord, by way of foot have delivered thy fruits of thine labor to thine peasants and in doing so acquired many jewels for your crown.
Mac B.: What else, Chopper, the kingdom of the idiots?
Chopper: I have but met with the Colombians and agreed that our trading ports will remain in thoust region of the royal crown. And that you will be happy.
Mac B.: Ye will be happy. Ye, motherfucker! Not you.
Chopper: Ye, ye, thy, ye. Ye will be happy, sir, thy.
Mac B.: Not happy. Another month I command thee speak. Anyway, fetch the king the photos for these fine squires. Get!
Chopper: Yes, your highness, majesty.
Wilkie: Chopper hands over some photos. Mac B. gives them to us. We flick through them. The photos are of two people outside our hotel. And also in the street following me and Brian. And even outside Mac B.’s place, everywhere.
Mac B.: You’ve been followed by some spooks there, brothers. These government officials. Same guys that bought that K.
Brian: Oh man, this is serious.
Chopper: Damn right, some FBI type shit.
Mac B.: Excuse me, Chopper?
Chopper: Sorry, doth look like it be my lord some enemy activity across the yonder moat.
Mac B.: That’s better! So boys, you gotta big problem.
Brian: We know. What do you think we should do?
Mac B.: Well, you gotta make them believe you ain’t chasing what you’re chasing. You leave town, get out.
Brian: Do you think that’s what Rodney did?
Mac B.: Yeah, probably with these fools, they don’t mess around, you know? So that’s my intel. Hand over the cash.
Wilkie: Brian hands over the cash and takes the photos. At least now we know what the agents look like. I look at them closely. They look like you’d expect. Clean cut, sharp suits, step haircuts. Both in their 30s or early 40s.
Brian: Thanks, Mac B.
Mac B.: One last question.
Mac B.: So with my new territory domination, I’m supposed to meet up with the west coast head. His name is Mac D. I am Mac B. He is Mac D. It’s just a coincidence. But he want to work together on this joint. Do you think it is good idea?
Brian: Sounds like a perfect collaboration to me.
Wilkie: I’d be careful, nonetheless.
Mac B.: Yeah, right. Right. So you wouldn’t go, Wilkie?
Wilkie: Well, I mean you could make more money, I guess. But also you never know what could happen.
Mac B.: Yeah, but what if it’s a trap? What if he want to be the man and make me a chump? Why should I play the fool, you know, and die from my own gun, know what I’m saying? While he lives his life and does better ’cause of my connections.
Brian: Well, that is true. It could be a dangerous situation.
Mac B.: But a man’s gotta make bread.
Wilkie: Yeah, but you gotta tread carefully, Mac. The better part of me says trust your instinct, you know?
Mac B.: I will think about those words of advice.
Chopper: Yeah, later punks.
Mac B.: Huh? Excuse me?
Chopper: Sorry, my lord. Away, you dried bull’s pizzle, you poisonous [inaudible 00:21:44] skin toad. I am sick when I do look on thee!
Mac B.: Damn right.
Wilkie: Brian and I jumped back in the car and we’re doubly cautious now. We are definitely onto something. And it just reinforces there must be some truth to it all. Because why bother following us and chasing us up if not? We get back to the hotel and decide to lay low until we hear from Captain Thunderbolt. I advice Miranda and Benji to do the same. And do nothing out of the ordinary, just get on with their lives. Stick to their routines, and hopefully shake these two guys off our backs. Brian and I make good use of our time. Not least to get to know each other a bit better. With the help of the mini bar, of course. Brian opens up about his gender dysphoria, and he tells me how Rodney always knew, even when they were children. He also tells me that his mother couldn’t accept it, and that she totally rejected him. And that’s why he stayed with his dad after the divorce.
Wilkie: He told me that on the rare occasions he did see Rodney, they just used to play video games and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. He says Rodney had always been interested in the stuff that was out there. That he grew fascinated with science fiction and space exploration. He also tells me that after their parents’ divorce, their mother won the lottery and bought the house in Grovers Mill. So that explains the press clipping he sent me. I ask about the old photograph of Orson Wells. The other man in the photo was apparently Brian and Rodney’s grandfather. He was a general in the United States Air Force, and according to Brian had some involvement in the test pilot program. So we have two brothers, torn apart as children. Each searching for answers to a bounty of questions that could have far reaching consequences, not only for themselves, but for all of us as well. And as each day ends, as we get another step closer, I find myself becoming increasingly unnerved and paranoid. After a couple of days holed up in the Crown Plaza, we realize it’s time to call Captain Thunderbolt.
Thunderbolt: Hello, hello, daddy has some good news! But you got to hear it from a friend of mine, Jules. Jules, are you there?
Thunderbolt: Jules, this is Brian and Wilkie, the guys who were speaking to you about that information I traced.
Brian: Hi, Jules, is it?
Wilkie: Hi there.
Jules: Good day, Wilkie, this is Julian Assange.
Wilkie: Yes, you heard correctly. We’re talking to Julian Assange.
Jules: Now, I don’t have much time, so without going into every detail, I need you to understand something. Rodney’s in danger.
Jules: We think operatives of the state are trying to get to Rodney and more importantly, get the type recordings and the other documents that prove the moon landings were fake. We’ve been able to put this into an encrypted cable, and I want to talk to you about getting Rodney into Russia.
Wilkie: But we don’t know where he is.
Jules: Oh, guys, I think I do.
Brian: You do?
Jules: Yes, I think he’s in Panama. The go to destination for hats, floral shirts, and the sweaty humidity of politicians’ underwear.
Jules: Look, at the heart of this issue, guys, is that the government has lied to its people. [inaudible 00:24:55] this is an ugly lie, and it has ramifications across the board. Now I need you guys to find Rodney and then we’ll talk again. Hold on a second, hold on my cat’s just come through the window. Yes, hey there, James. Come here! Come here. Yes, you good boy. [inaudible 00:25:11] here as well. You can go outside and explore [inaudible 00:25:18], I can’t. You can pop into Herod’s, you can go to the food hall. What I’d give for a trip to the food hall. Guys? I’m gotta go.
Wilkie: Thank you.
Thunderbolt: So, brothers in arms. We few, we happy few. Rodney’s in Panama. He’s got the trace online in a specific forum. It was hard to crack, but the clues are there. Now he’s trying to get to Russia so you need to speak to the vodka guy.
Wilkie: Vodka? Melody said something about a guy who sold vodka to Rodney.
Thunderbolt: Oh, I don’t know any Melodies, but get to the vodka guy and he can explain the whole thing.
Brian: Okay, so he’s definitely alive.
Thunderbolt: Definitely. As of two days ago. He posted, don’t worry. We know where he is. You guys just got to get there. Go see the vodka guy. Hug each other, come together.
Wilkie: Okay, thanks C.T.
Thunderbolt: Oh, let’s cut the foreplay. Go diddle daddle. Get out there boys! Free your spirit. Use the foreskin, Luke.
PART 2 OF 3 ENDS [00:26:04]
Thunderbolt: … get out there boys. Free your spirit. Use the foreskin, Luke.
Wilkie: Okay, so Melody at the pub mentioned the Vodka Guy. Now Captain Thunderbolt has mentioned the Vodka Guy. Crazy stuff. I mean, who is this Vodka Guy? Why is Ronnie in Panama? What is going on? I head to the pub to catch Melody.
Wilkie: So Melody, we need to get in touch with this Vodka Guy. You never sent me the contact. We’ve been waiting.
Melody: Oh yes, yes, you do. Sorry. I’ve been busy. All hog tied up.
Wilkie: It’s all right.
Brian: So can you connect us?
Melody: Oh honey, you need to up your dose. What I would give for a voice like yours. You still haven’t told your friend, have you?
Wilkie: Brian has told me actually. It makes no difference to me.
Melody: Well, bravo boys. Welcome to a larger world. Now about those secret recordings, honey. I want to hear them. Do you have them?
Wilkie: We have them but we can’t keep playing them.
Melody: But you want to know where the Vodka Guys is?
Brian: Yes, we do.
Melody: Well I’d like to hear some of the secret recording. Just a pinch. Come on.
Wilkie: Okay, but then you’ll get us to the Vodka Guy?
Melody: Oh, I like it when you get dominant. It suits you, honey. Yes, okay, put that thing up to my ear where I can hear it. Nice and loud now.
Speaker 9: Of course, people, you know, they’ll believe what they read in the newspapers. And what people tell them, anything that came through that new machine, the radio. So in a way, our broadcast was an assault on the credibility of that machine.
Melody: Is that-
Speaker 9: See, we wanted people to understand that they shouldn’t swallow everything they heard. So I think it’s important that the public knows. It’s their rights to know. Information needs to be in their hands. You know I have often thought that governments don’t always hide things-
Melody: Oh my god.
Speaker 9: They just do what governments do and sometimes they just choose not to tell us everything. And what we know, what they say, is that the moon landings were not real.
Melody: Oh my god.
Speaker 9: There’s no way they could have been real. But it was a campaign that they needed to initiate, to asset their dominance over the Soviets and also of course to manipulate the American people.
Wilkie: There you go.
Melody: Oh my god, is that Orson Welles?
Melody: Who’s he talking to?
Wilkie: He’s not talking to anyone. These are his own recordings. Here, let me play the start for the first reel for you.
Melody: Oh yeah. Let’s hear it.
Speaker 9: August 17th, 1983. I’m making these tapes for my own record and for the preservation of the truth. I will tell in as much detail as I can why I have come to make these tapes and why it’s important that the corresponding papers that go with them need to be made accessible and viewable by all.
Wilkie: There you go.
Melody: Oh my god, so that’s why everyone’s in so much trouble?
Brian: That’s why we need to get to Rodney.
Melody: Okay, honey, ring this number, say that you’re interested in buying ten cases of vodka.
Melody: Oh, honey, are you sure you know what you’re getting yourself into?
Brian: We’ll let you know how we get on.
Melody: Oh no, don’t. I like to use my imagination, honey. Oh, one last question, though. What was it like, you know, the surgery?
Brian: Use your imagination, honey.
Wilkie: Bye, Melody. And thank you.
Wilkie: I called the Vodka Guy. A deep voiced Russian who goes by the name of Anatoly, and he asked us to meet him in his lockup. It’s a big concrete development that looks like one giant warehouse but with many units separated in between. We walked to the unit marked 1138.
Brian: This is it.
Wilkie: There’s a door to one side. We open it and it leads to a loading dock. There are stacks of boxes everywhere, full of what we assume to be vodka.
Anatoly: Gentlemen, how can I help you?
Wilkie: Yes, we are after Anatoly.
Anatoly: The people here say they are after Anatoly.
Brian: Uh, he told us to meet him here. I’m Brian and this is Willie.
Anatoly: One needs to ask. Where we see the two men like this, what do they want to meet about?
Brian: Well, we’re not sure, it’s complicated.
Anatoly: Life is complicated.
Brian: Do you know where Anatoly is?
Brian: Well could you get him for us?
Brian: Okay. So now?
Wilkie: The man simply stands there, smiling. It’s kind of weird.
Brian: Is he coming?
Anatoly: Yes, he is here. This report just in.
Brian: Where. Why are you talking like-
Anatoly: I was unusual back in Abuja, and now I am here, I am Anatoly.
Wilkie: Perhaps there’s been a mistake. Anatoly is Russian.
Anatoly: No mistake, I make people think he is Russian. I am Nigerian, as you can see. I am standing here in this well telling you I am Anatoly.
Brian: You are Anatoly?
Anatoly: Yes, but I can speak in a Russian accent.
Wilkie: So it’s a cover?
Anatoly: It is so I can remain anonymous to a certain extent.
Brian: Right, well, look, we’re after Ronnie, do you know where he is? I’m his brother and we’re worried sick. Is he in Panama?
Anatoly: Yes. He told me you would call. I sent him there. There were people after him, you know.
Wilkie: Yeah, we know.
Anatoly: And you weren’t followed here.
Wilkie: No, no, we were careful.
Anatoly: Gentlemen, here is what we are going to do. I know where Rodney is. I will tell you, but you need to book your flights for Friday and you need to take these cartons of vodka with you.
Brian: No, we can’t be involved in any smuggling or anything like that.
Anatoly: No, no, no, you see, in these bottles is the paperwork to prove those moon landing never happened. Ronnie left them with me. He was not so stupid to take them with him. These are black bottles so you can’t see what is in them. It’s how we hide the paperwork. You get the plane and you fly to Panama with this box. Then you see Elmir. He takes you to Ronnie, very easy.
Anatoly: He is … well, you will see. He’s very well connected. He is housing Ronnie.
Brian: Okay, so we take all this to Panama. Then what? How do we get Ronnie back? What do we do?
Anatoly: That is not my problem. All I can say is Ronnie has a very well thought out plan. This is a number to call when you land in Panama. Oh, and this is a list of medications Ronnie needs. This is his doctor here. You need to see the doctor here to get the medications to take to Panama. This is all. Now take this box and go. Here’s Tom with the weather.
Wilkie: So we head to the surgery to see this doctor. I record the session anyway just in case this doctor tells us anything new. And I’m glad I did.
Doctor: So Ronnie wants me to write some scripts for his medication. [Sabordimor 00:32:23] asthma, [ledica 00:32:24], nerve pain, Viagra. Okay, I’m going to have to charge you for a normal consultation and run through the process, is that okay?
Brian: I guess so.
Wilkie: Look, could we just get the scripts and go? Please.
Doctor: I do everything by the book. So Brian, any family history?
Doctor: Any sexual diseases?
Doctor: You’re sure. Erectile problems?
Brian: Not lately.
Doctor: Fetish for feet?
Brian: What? Excuse me?
Doctor: Any STDs?
Doctor: Favorite position?
Wilkie: I can’t see how this is relevant?
Doctor: Everything is relevant in medicine. Tell me, how you do it? Doggy, astroboy?
Brian: Astroboy, what?
Wilkie: Doctor, could we just get the scripts?
Doctor: In a minute. Mr. Meelog, are you on any medications?
Brian: Only, ibuprofen for my headaches and occasional hormone injections.
Doctor: Right. I’m recommending you see a sex therapist.
Brian: What for? We just came here for Ronnie.
Doctor: Classical denial. Have you ever had a threesome?
Brian: You’re not serious?
Doctor: You want these scripts, don’t you?
Brian: Okay, once, in college.
Doctor: FFM, or FFM.
Brian: It’s complicated.
Wilkie: What the hell are you on about?
Doctor: We’re almost done. Blondes, brunettes, body type?
Brian: Seriously. Two brunettes, average weight and height. One was named Francesca, the other Josie. They were mathematicians.
Doctor: Hmm. Any photos?
Wilkie: Come on.
Doctor: I am writing you a script for Valium.
Brian: I don’t need any Valium.
Doctor: Not yet, you don’t. Here are your scripts. Take care, gentlemen.
Wilkie: What the hell was that?
Brian: I don’t know. But let’s get the hell fuck out of this town.
Speaker 10: Next time, on Grovers Mill
Wilkie: I suppose we’re just trying to find a way to tell people the truth. Or certainly what we know to be the truth. Without those waiting for more resources like government or corporations are otherwise trying to silence us with threats or worse.
Brian: Can we see Rodney now?
Speaker 11: He’s not here.
Brian: Well, where is he? You said he was here.
Speaker 11: Yeah, we needed to make sure that you were you.
Brian: Well can we talk to him?
Speaker 11: Yeah, of course. We can take you to him.
Brian: Yeah, but how. Think about it. They can say the papers are fake. The recordings are fake. That we’re crazy, you know. How do you get around that?
Wilkie: Snowden and Assange can help.
Speaker 11: I used to be a believer, like everyone. But when the facts come and slap you in the face, you have no choice but to accept that sadly this was one huge lie.
Wilkie: Grovers Mill is written and produced by Matt Coen Gold, Garret Dukes and me, Willkie Poe. Music and sound design is by Matt Sleighton. With special thanks to Rupert Degas and Amy Horn. We’d also like to thank Megan Tate, Mark Bluehat, Barry Stewart, Marcus Bier, Steven Busatiel, Zanson Pier and Anya Dogonava. This has been a Grovers Mill Production, copyright 2018.
Wilkie: Grovers Mill is a fictional podcast, that is shared with you as a satire and parody. It depicts entirely fictitious situations that are the products of the writers’ imaginations. The podcasts references familiar places and events. And whilst we have also used some real life personalities, the characteristics, qualities and actions that we’ve applied to those people are not intended to be real. We also do not suggest any association with, or sponsorship by any person or entity. All other names, characters and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, living or deceased, places, buildings and products is intended or should be inferred. For further information on Grovers Mill, and its use in satire, parody and fiction, please read the disclaimer on our podcast, groversmillpodcast.com
PART 3 OF 3 ENDS [00:36:28]